Would You Like a Poster
With That?
I’d like to start out by saying this was not the article I intended to write. When I woke up this morning ESPN was running a montage of Shawn Kemp highlights and they showed his 1993 gender-altering slam on Alton Lister’s head. That got me to thinking, who dished out the best NBA facials? Stop making Wilt Chamberlain jokes; I’m being serious here. Was it the Reign Man? What about His Airness, V.C., or ‘Nique? However, the more I researched the topic, the hotter the debates got and I realized it was the same 4 or 5 guys getting dunked on all the time. Therefore, I shifted gears from who delivered the greatest facials to who received them. By doing so I had inadvertently stumbled onto a comedy goldmine. Although you probably never realized it, this esteemed group of men have been featured on roughly 83-96% of NBA posters over the last two decades. Thus, I now submit to you the Top 6 Dunkees of all-time:
6. Patrick Ewing
He was an 11 time All-Star as well as the 1985-86 Rookie of the Year. Voted one of the 50 Greatest Players of All-Time, Ewing was a force to be reckoned with on the block. Well, unless the Knicks happened to be playing anywhere within a 20 mile radius of the Chicago Bulls that is. Trust me, he was good for three or four highlights per game...for Chicago. Just ask Scottie Pippen:
Afterwards, Pippen laughed and said, "Any time you dunk over a seven-footer and a so-called shot blocker, it’s something" (Bulls.com). Fortunately for posters nationwide, Pip wasn’t the only one embracing the trend. Number 23 often exercised his right to free expression at Pat’s expense as well. If you desire a more professional piece of artwork that commemorates Mr. Ewing’s futility, please click here.
5. Arvydas Sabonis
Apparently Sabonis was a superhuman freak of nature during his prime overseas. He was named European Player of the Year four times. Too bad after 14 years of international play he decided he’d much rather get shit on night in and night out in the NBA than dominate the EuroLeague. Luckily for us, not only was he washed up, fate even put him in the same division with the most dominant center of the last 30 years:
See how polite he is? He wore wristbands just to mop Shaq’s brow so he’d look beautiful for his latest poster. It’s common knowledge European ballplayers are soft, but this guy should’ve been the spokesman for Dairy Queen. Legend has it he wasn’t able to get an erection for 3 months after this dunk.
4. Greg Ostertag
Now we’re getting into the realm of the truly pathetic Centers. Greg Ostertag was basically a free meal ticket to anyone looking for commercial exposure. If you had a vertical leap of over 0.3" you were going to dunk on him. Not only were you guaranteed the facial, but 97% of the time he’d make the "Oh no, I just crapped my pants" face. It got to the point where he’d purposely turn away from the camera just to preserve whatever shred of dignity was left in his soul:
Thankfully Eric Montross was kind enough to hand over his jersey number and 1947 buzzcut. The fact they both were horrifically pale lumps of human waste with no basketball talent was purely coincidental though.
3. Yao Ming
Yao arrived on the NBA scene in 2002 with lofty expectations from both fans and the Houston Rockets. Basketball "analysts" dubbed it "The Ming Dynasty." These same men overlooked the fact that: 1.) He can’t speak English, 2.) The back of his head is a perfect right angle, and 3.) He’s a 7'6" vagina. With the exception of our next two honorees, no one presents more of a target than this Asian Stretch Armstrong. I won’t deny that Yao does possess a lot of talent and could someday be considered "great" but until he starts learning to push guys around and get angry, we’ll continue to get gems like this:
Just for good measure, Stromile Swift is a full 9 inches shorter than Yao. That’s got to hurt. In fact, Swift felt so sorry for The Big Chopstick, he actually joined the Rockets. Just kidding, he only did it so he can dunk on him all through practice too. He’s seriously on the Rockets though, true story.
2. Shawn Bradley
When the best nickname someone can give you is "The Stormin' Mormon", you know you’re in trouble. The Sixers found out firsthand after drafting Bradley 2nd overall in 1993. From the second he set one clown foot on the court, he was being posterized. I heard when he was taking a shit one time someone dunked a roll of toilet paper on his head from the next stall over. Hell if I had an imaginary friend, and this imaginary friend had an imaginary friend, and that friend was paralyzed and on life support, even he could dunk on Shawn Bradley. As you can see here, T-Mac does it with ease (and without breathing tubes or that cool robot voice maker thing):
It’s a scientific fact that if you purchased an NBA poster between the years of 1995-2003, it had Shawn Bradley getting dunked on in some form or fashion. It comes as no surprise then that after 11 NBA seasons and roughly 239,740,199 different posters, Bradley retired to become a chicken farmer. Mormons are weird.
1. Frederic Weis
He’s white, 7'2", French, and was drafted by the Knicks. If this isn’t the worst set of circumstances to ever befall a human (and I use the term lightly because he’s French), I don’t know what is. So you say you haven’t heard of him? Hmm, well I’m sure you recognize him:
Weis would be the one getting teabagged in front of the entire world during the 2000 Summer Olympics. This is the only photo I’ve ever seen of Frederic Weis and it’s the only one I’ll ever need to. I don’t care how many times Jordan or Pippen schooled Ewing. I don’t care how bad Arvydas got it. It doesn’t matter if Ostertag got plastered night after night. Yao could be 17 feet tall and it wouldn’t make a difference. Shawn Bradley could go on a Mormon mission and come back to get dunked on by the entire league twice (which happened) and it still wouldn’t top this. Look at KG or Payton’s face. Take a minute to realize Vince Carter jumped OVER a full grown, 7'2" man. In the land of ultimate facials, Frederic Weis, you are the supreme intergalactic overlord.
