When Kelly Clarkson Won (and Other Pop Culture Moments That Made Me Cry)
I am a Scorpio, and by nature, that makes me a very intense person. Every emotion hits me 500 times harder than everyone else. Sometimes this is a positive thing (I will laugh at any joke, any time, any where), sometimes this is a negative thing (I have a reputation as a serial door-slammer) 
and sometimes I just look like a huge goddamn jackass. Why do I look so dumb? Because I cry about everything. However, when I started to think about it, the main cause of many of my sobbing episodes is the direct result of things that have happened in pop culture. I might shed a tear or two when an old person dies or I see a retarded puppy, but really, what could be more endearing than watching your favorite fake celebrity win a reality TV show? In no particular order, here are stupid moments in pop culture that have made me cry like a baby…
When Kelly Clarkson won American Idol:
I just watched the video again on Youtube and it never fails to choke me up. Back in college, I had this on tape and every time I got drunk I would pop it in, watch it, and cry. I have witnesses. How can you NOT cry, though? The moment Ryan Seacrest says "Kelly. Clarkson." the look on her face is just priceless - she is SO HAPPY. If you're not into crying about Kelly Clarkson, take a look at Brian Dunkleman in this video - this is his last appearance (and paycheck) on American Idol before he decided he was too good for it. I saw him at a comedy club in LA a couple of years later and it was pretty sad because usually you do stand up and THEN you get to host a popular television show. I'm not crying about it, but I guarantee Dunkleman is.
When they wouldn't give Milton a piece of cake in Office Space:
The only thing that makes me cry harder than special people are chubby, special people. And the only thing that makes me cry harder than chubby, special people are chubby, special people who are denied cake. Milton is one fucking adorable, chubby, special guy. The first time I almost lost it was when that fat Billy Bob ginger berates him for starting to eat. But when that dumb Asian bitch didn't pass him the last piece of cake I screamed at the TV and cursed her for denying him the one thing in life that he wanted. That was the saddest shit I'd ever seen.
The day I didn't meet Britney Spears:
This outburst was so extreme that it needed it's own article.
Watching Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight:
Let me preface this by saying that I did not actually cry at this movie. I know that it's sort of normal to cry at movies, but I also knew that if I started crying during The Dark Knight, people would think I was certifiably insane. It's just not one of those typical tearjerkers, ya know? But I think there were about 20 instances during that film where I got so choked up I had to bite my lip until it bled because I wanted to cry so badly for Heath Ledger. He was so good and I could not handle how amazing he was and the fact that he is dead now. I wanted to weep for his talent, his daughter, his family…but mostly for the fact that I would never have the opportunity to see him naked and on top of me (or Jake Gyllenhaal). Oh well, that's what Heaven is all about, right?
When the Red Sox won the 2004 World Series:
This seemed right when I wrote it down, but the more I think about it, my tears were totally legit and there is nothing stupid about me crying for this. I've grown up here in New England and I was in Boston when they won it all. I just ran out on Huntington Ave. and cried and cried and cried. If I had timed how long I cried I would probably be the new world record holder. Whatever, it was totally awesome and if grown men cried for this one, I'm allowed to as well!
Anyways, Orlando always yells at me because I don't know how to end articles - I just sort of shit out ideas and then want to get the hell out of Dodge. You know what I say? He should be happy I even wrote this article. Yeah, I'm that famous and talented. Hmmm…do you like my excuse for not writing a proper conclusion? Good, me too! Okay, so bye.
