Your Top 10 Movies:
What Could've Been
Every one of us has a Top 10 favorites list when it comes to movies.
Some people choose classics; some go with action or horror. Some people
are into that weird cartoon Japanese porn or films like Audition
(which literally almost made me vomit). Regardless, every great movie
has one thing going for it: casting. The right (or sometimes wrong) casting
can easily make or break a film. In fact, I bet you don't know how many
times some of your all-time favorite films were on the brink of disaster
due to miscasting. Well, I am well aware of a few of these major decisions,
and it's absolutely amazing. I'm positive that half of the movies on this
list would be much less successful and at least two of them would be outright
bombs. Ok, let's get this train rolling and see what could've been…
Ed. Note: All of these castings were legit. The actors/actresses
were either offered the role and turned it down, began filming and were
replaced, were wanted by the studio but not the director, or auditioned
for the role and were rejected.
10. The Lord of the Rings
Let's raise a toast to Daniel Day-Lewis, ahem, Aragorn, the King of Men
and protector of Gondor! Wait, what? Yes, it's true, but despite his acting
chops and skills with a blade (Gangs of New York), I just can't
picture him as Isildur's heir. I know he can grow gangly, greasy locks
and he's quite adept in the facial hair department, but he just doesn't
give me the "complete badass" impression. Besides, he kind of has the
same facial structure as Liv Tyler and Hugo Weaving…which would seem odd
since he's trying to appease one and marry the other.
What Could've Been: Best Scene
While smoking his pipe in The Prancing Pony, an audible groan and twitch
are heard and seen by all four Hobbits. The four Shirefolk confront Aragorn
as he drools on his hooded cape and accidentally rolls over Samwise's
foot with his wheelchair. Unable to understand his warning about Black
Riders and fed up with the incessant tapping of his left foot, they head
upstairs to bed. The wheelchair-ridden Aragorn scornfully moans in the
bartender's direction because there's no handicapped ramp.
Interesting Tidbit
True to the story, there are actually 111 candles on Bilbo Baggins' birthday
cake. However, once they were all lit, the polystyrene model actually
caught fire and came dangerously close to lighting nearby props (and cast/crew)
on fire. Undaunted by this, Ian Holm kept going with his birthday speech.
9. American Beauty
This Oscar-winning drama might've had a smaller rose petal-covered rack,
had Dreamworks' execs had their way. You see, snaggletoothed Kirsten Dunst
was originally offered the part of Angela Hayes. Thankfully she declined
or else I would've thought Kevin Spacey was gay…instead of a pederass.
What Could've Been: Best Scene
When Angela finally catches on to Lester's fantasy and is called out for
being "ordinary" by the bag boy, she flashes the goods in hopes of getting
nailed. Unfortunately, Snaggletooth Hayes Watson and her terribly fake
red hair can't act worth a shit and make Lester rethink the whole ordeal.
He ends up covering her "torso" before taking a bite out of a 9mm (much
to his neighbor's chagrin).
Interesting Tidbit
In the original first draft of the script, Frank Fitts (Chris Cooper),
the military super-homophobe, was set to have a gay love during the Vietnam
War. Weeeeird.
8. Titanic
Remember that young, frail, clean-shaven Leo who turned Titanic into
the highest-grossing movie of all time? Well, had the studio execs had
their way, there would've been a much bigger southern twang and a few
more abs involved. That's right, Paramount lobbied to have Matthew McConaughey
as leading man Jack Dawson. I'm sure he would've asked James Cameron if
he could surf around the Arctic to rescue Rose and the body of that foreign
friend of his that dies.
What Could've Been: Best Scene
Once Rose and a shirtless Jack Wooderson are floating along in the freezing
water, Jack looks up at her and exclaims, "Rose, never stop livin', L-I-V-I-N"
while pretending to play bongos on the piece of wood and doing that annoying
high-pitched stoner laugh he's somehow bankrolled into a career.
Interesting Tidbit
On the final night of shooting on the outskirts of Nova Scotia, a few
pranksters mixed PCP into the clam chowder served to the cast and crew.
Up to 80 members became extremely sick and many were rushed to the hospital
with hallucinations. Bill Paxton said he felt "listless" for two weeks
after ingesting the drugged food.
7. The Shawshank Redemption
Even at the apex of his career, I never found Kevin Costner interesting.
Yes, he was good in Bull Durham, but that was only because the
great supporting cast and due to the fact it's about baseball. I believe
the same is true for Field of Dreams (mainly James Earl Jones).
This is why it's astonishing to me that he turned down the role of Andy
Dufresne. Frankly, I'm elated that he did, seeing as the universe would
collapse on itself if there were ever a movie in which Morgan Freeman
and Kevin Costner both had voice-overs. Thankfully, Castle Rock decided
that Merlin from Top Gun was the best fit for the Rita Hayworth-loving
accountant.
What Could've Been: Best Scene
When the Sisters take Andy aside for a 3-on-1 manwich, instead of reciting
the anatomical features of the human jaw and subsequent bite force, Andy
tells them he's actually wearing a black garter under his uniform for,
ya know, better performance during stickball games in the prison yard.
Interesting Tidbit
In one of gayest protests I've ever heard, the American Humane Association
objected with the scene where Brooks feeds his pet crow, Jake, a maggot.
Now, initially I thought this was because crows don't eat maggots. No.
The AHA felt that it was cruel towards the maggot and thus, the
crew had to find one that died of "natural causes". Ridiculous.
6. Predator
Although he's probably best known for having the craziest mullet ever
filmed,
if it wasn't for his incessant whining, Jean-Claude Van Damme's most notable
role would've been opposite Arnold Schwarzenegger as the Predator. He
actually filmed for two days in the jungle and is rumored to have constantly
passed out due to heat exhaustion within the heavy costume. It's a shame
too because with Arnold, Jesse "The Body", and Apollo Creed in tow, it
would've been the greatest collection of awful one-liners in the history
of modern cinema. If nothing else, it would've been nice to see Bolo Yeung
in another JCVD movie. He'd fit right in with all of the other super meatheads.
What Could've Been: Best Scene
When Dutch confronts the alien and mutters, "You're one ugly motherfucker,"
JCVPredator would be shown oiled up in his underwear before doing a spinning
roundhouse kick to no one in particular-which would be replayed five times
from five different angles-while he shouted in slow motion. Then Dutch
would walk up to the diminutive Predator and choke him out. The end.
Interesting Tidbit
When the Predator is cloaked and moving from tree to tree, the writers
and director John McTiernan wanted to originally use a monkey swinging
from the trees while clad in a red special-effects suit. Unfortunately,
the monkey kept ripping the suit off and the experiment was canned.
5. Raiders of the Lost Ark
I know he's weathered and gruff as the day is long, but Nick Nolte as
Henry Jones, Jr.? You better believe it. Along with Tom Selleck (who had
to back out due to scheduling conflicts with Magnum P.I.), Nolte
was given the role but turned it down. Luckily, he would go on to do a
decent Cape Fear remake and two ridiculously gay films: Lorenzo's
Oil and The Prince of Tides. Something tells me I wouldn't
have understood half of his lines because of his asphalt-gargling, emphysema
voice anyways. More to the point, could you see him reprising the role
19 years later and still looking in shape? Yea, me neither.
What Could've Been: Best Scene
While rummaging through the bazaars in Egypt and sweating profusely with
Sullah in tow, Dr. Jones tries to bribe Shaq, Penny Hardaway, and some
goofy white guy to help him steal back the Ark from Belloq.
Interesting Tidbit
For all of you Star Wars geeks out there (don't worry I'm wholeheartedly
a member of that group), there are several props and/or references to
the film in Raiders. My favorite three are:
1.) When Belloq opens the Ark of the Covenant, you can see R2-D2's headpiece
sits atop the rod Indy and Marion are tied to.
2.) When Sullah and Indy are removing the Ark from the Well of Souls,
if you look at the hieroglyphics to Indy's right, you'll notice depictions
of C-3PO and R2-D2.
3.) The canyon where Indy follows Belloq and the Nazis with the rocket
launcher is the same one where R2-D2 gets shocked and abducted by Jawas.
4. Batman
The first truly dark superhero movie, Tim Burton, Jack Nicholson, and
Prince turned a billionaire with a rubber fetish into a massive cash cow.
However, the film might have had a significantly less hot leading character
if Hollywood execs had their way. No, no, no you assclowns, not Michael
Keaton (although that was hotly debated). I'm talking about Vicki Vale.
Although it seems unfathomable now, Kim Basinger (at her absolute zenith)
was the back-up plan for…Sean Young. That's right, Lois Einhorn shimself!
Come on, you know Bruce Wayne only falls for floozy blondes (don't start
with Nolan's choices…the only flaws in his versions)! Regardless, Young
was given the role, but during a horse-riding scene with Michael Keaton,
she broke her collarbone. She was dropped from production and the scene
was written out. Ouch. I'm pretty sure that's what happened with Christopher
Reeves, too. To make matters worse, Young desperately wanted to play Catwoman
in Batman Returns. She even showed up on The Joan Rivers Show
in full costume!
Obviously, Michelle Pfeiffer got the role…and Sean Young got drunk and
crazy.
What Could've Been: Best Scene
Nestled next to the fireplace at Wayne Manor, Bruce and a made-up Ray
Finkel schmooze while enjoying a few flutes of champagne. Things start
to heat up until Alfred interrupts and informs Master Wayne that his date
tucks and tapes (cut to Tone Loc scraping his tongue).
Interesting TidbitIf you remember, Billy Dee Williams
(Lando Calrissian) played D.A. Harvey Dent. Williams took the part with
the understanding-and contract stipulation-that he would be brought back
in subsequent movies as Two-Face. However, Warner Brothers chose to go
with Tommy Lee Jones for Batman Forever. Williams sued the company
and eventually was bought out of his contract.
3. Back to the Future
Although Michael J. Fox had always been the first choice to play Marty
McFly, he was initially too busy being uber-Republican wunderkind Alex
P. Keaton. Thus, Zemeckis and Co. had to turn to a fellow 80's up-and-comer
Eric Stoltz. In fact, Stoltz spent almost a month on set bickering with
the crew about the tone of the film before Universal basically begged
Fox to shuffle his Family Ties schedule and come onboard. Thank
God for Shakes McFly! I can only imagine the jaded slant Stoltz would've
given the character.
What Could've Been: Best Scene
When the VW hippie van-driving Libyans gun down Doc Brown, Marty McStoltz
saunters over in his robe (with vest worn over it) and slams a giant syringe
full of pure adrenaline into his chest. Great Scott!
Interesting Tidbit
The original concept for time travel was going to be a refrigerator and
not a badass DeLorean DMC. Thankfully Zemeckis and Gale thought kids would
emulate it and get locked inside so they scrapped the idea.
2. Forrest Gump
This one's two-fold. John Travolta as Forrest Gump and Ice Cube as Bubba.
This boggles my mind and I would've absolutely hated this movie if either
one or both made the final cut. I mean, at least with Tom Hanks, he could
snap out of character once the scene ended. Johnny Travs is quite possibly
more retarded than what the script called for. As for Ice Cube, I mean
come on! Bubba is supposed to be a loving, endearing 'tard, not some washed-up,
ex-jheri curled rap star whose acting skills would be booed by Helen Keller.
What Could've Been: Best Scene
When Forrest carries a sneering, wounded Bubba out of the jungle, he asks
where they are exactly. Forrest replies that he does not know, at which
point a baritone, mega-phoned voice booms, "ASIA!" Forrest still does
not understand, so Bubba picks up a nearby brick and knocks him out. Lieutenant
Dan crawls over to him and yells, "You just got knocked the fuck out!"
Interesting TidbitIn keeping with his inability for complex
thought or motor skills (save for running), Forrest's eyes are closed
in every single visible photograph throughout the film.
1. The Terminator
O.J. Simpson as the Terminator. Seriously. No, I'm not kidding, look
it up! I can't believe the irony in this, but the producers thought he
was "too nice" and that the public would not believe him to be a cold-blooded
killer. Yikes. You know the movie would've been a disaster had he starred
in it, but I keep imagining him trying to get in and out of the stolen
cop car with that massive Naked Gun afro and laughing hysterically.
Oh well, I'm sure he could take another stab at it whenever another Terminator
movie pops up (although Bale won't be happy).
What Could've Been: Best Scene
Take your pick. Honestly, it's O.J. Simpson…anything involving Linda Hamilton
cowering in fear would be the highest of high comedy.
Interesting Tidbit
In the original script treatment, James Cameron initially laid out the
idea that the Terminator needed to periodically eat in order to maintain
his human skin. A scene was apparently blocked out where the Terminator
would eat an entire candy bar, wrapper and all, but the idea was scrapped.
In Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, the scene was revisited
and actually shot, but when word was released, fan reaction was obviously
negative and the scene was omitted.
