Top Fat Kid Moments
Iused to be fat. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking now – "I was a fat kid too! Haha!" Well, I was a fat kid, teenager and college student. At one point when I was still growing, I was gaining about twenty pounds a year. Who does that? What were my parents feeding me? Whole whale carcasses stuffed with lard and éclairs? Holy crap. Anyway, I finally got bored with being a big fat fatty this year. I stopped spending my entire paycheck at Burger King and decided that getting laid would probably be a lot more awesome than a Whopper for breakfast. So, in honor of me being able to see my feet and set my Lane Bryant credit card on fire, I now present my top fat kid moments from throughout the years!
The Pie-Eating Contest:I won a pie-eating contest when I was twelve years old. No, it was not just against kids my age. I beat grown men. Fat grown men. And I was so fucking proud. They announced my name on the intercom so the whole fair could hear and they gave me twenty bucks. Hmm, what do you think I spent that prize money on? Twelve years old = no bills, no car, no rent. Yep, I bought more food. Come on, that pie was the equivalent of a side salad to me.
The Mile Run: Every year in school, they sent us outside and forced us to run a timed mile. I was okay with the fact that it was not physically possible for my fat body to waddle the mile, but there was no way in hell I’d come in dead last place. I’d walk the whole thing with this girl who was even fatter than me, and, as we neared the finish line, I’d sprint ahead and cross before she did. I did it every year to her and she never seemed to care and/or catch on. I think she has a kid now. She’s also still fat. God, I’m awesome.
The Time I Asked a Boy Out:In college I had a big crush on this really funny guy who also happened to be fat. I convinced myself that he totally had a crush on me as well and decided to ask him out. Bad idea. He completely shut me down in so many polite words. A fat person turned me down. You know you’re fat when another fat person won’t date you. It obviously had nothing to do with my personality or teeth because both are flawless.
The Ben & Jerry’s Incident:I’ve worked at Ben & Jerry’s for fifty thousand years and hold the title of supervisor. That means I have the keys to the store. One night, I went out with my friends and got totally smashed. Alcohol makes me loud, insane and hungry. Needless to say, I dragged my friends down to Ben & Jerry’s at 2am, opened the store for myself and ate mad ice cream. However, in my defense, who gives a fat kid the key to an ice cream store?
The Restaurant Game: When I was really young, my best friend was the girl down the street. Don’t get me wrong – she really was my friend – but she also had an older sister who liked to cook. One time, she made up a restaurant game for us where she made food…and we ate it. This easily and instantly became my most favorite game of all time. It also ruined my life. Coloring, dress up and bike riding no longer appealed to me. Every time I went to my friend’s house, I asked where her sister was and if we could play the restaurant game. Yeah, we don’t hang out anymore.
Looking back on these moments makes me so proud. Do you have any fat kid stories? Can your fatness beat mine? E-mail me at myfakeleg@gmail.com and if I think your fatness is awesome, I will put it on My Fake Leg for everyone to be in awe of.
