The Stop and Chat
by Dick Dastardly
The stop and chat (n.) Def.: That fucking awkward moment when you walk by someone you haven't seen in a while (and with good reason) and you both know you have absolutely nothing to talk about yet you stop anyway and give a half-assed, “What's up?” when you really want to say, "Hey, hope someone barfed in your fuckin Kellogg's this morning, you nonchalant-sounding ass weasel."
Well, dare I be the only one to say the stop and chat is as much fun as a grand funk railroad style funky fresh kick in the balls. I hate running into people I don't want to see. Only I’m on a college campus, so it's infinitely worse. Am I supposed to feel like the asshole when I make sure to look away as they get within eyesight? No! Let's face it, some people in life just suck. And Lord have mercy, I should be spared the babbling well of bullshit they have to spew upon me. Seriously, if I had a beer for every time I had to stop and chat with someone I didn't like and couldn't punch them in the face, I'd be drunk enough to slug them several times in the face, then piss and vomit on them, then slug them in the face a few more times...in the name of good fun and chastity.
Here's the thing that pisses me off the most though. Look, I am really lazy. So on a nice day, when I'm milling aboot, I like to stop every now and again. My overworked heart simply can't take all that beating after eating two Burger King chicken sandwiches made my way with tons of artery-clogging mayo and fake lettuce on a calorie enriched bun. So, normally I would take a break, sit a play or two out, and then get back to lollygagging, albeit at a slower-than-snail's pace. But WHAM, just as I narrowly avoid a trans fat-induced stroke, some dumb skeleton from my closet comes walking out of left field to remind me how I fucked up my sophomore year by living with a pedophile and a redneck.
Well, fuck that! I’m not going to stand for this shit anymore. I have choices. And heeeere they are:
- In today's modern, and ever increasingly shitty world we inhabit, I can fake talking on my cell phone to not make eye contact (problem is, everyone knows I have no fucking friends...cell phone strategy, denied).
- As an alternative, I can act like I’m too busy to chat and bumble around for words so when they slow down to talk, it puts the onus on them to start this retarded cycle of lameness. However, this strategy doesn't always work. For example, say I’m at a party; where the fuck do I really have to be racing off to in that situation? The only reasonable reply might be the loo—in which case please God I hope they don't follow me.
Look, at a party, the stop and chat is brutal. Worst part is, you don't see it coming because you're too shitfaced. Happened to yours truly once but I was clever and James Bond-ian enough to outmaneuver my fat foe. This bitch had been tailing me all year long but I was always one step (or two, or twenty-five) ahead of her. She really got on my nerves and having successfully avoided her for a year, I was not ready to be drunkenly thrust into the following situation:
There I was, just a walkin’ down the street singin' doo wa d....eh, sorry, A.D.D. of sorts. Anyways, so I see this girthed-up manatee sauntering over in my direction with belly exposed and rhythmically jiggling, so I thrust my face downwards to throw off her fat gaze. Then, whammo! She sees my friend standing near me and successfully outflanks him in a stop and chat move for the ages...one of monstrous proportions, if I say so myself.
Blob: "Where is Dick Dastardly? I haven't seen him in a while."
Friend of Dick's: "Oh you mean this guy?” (Spins around and points me out of the crowd while I stare back with murderous intent)
Blob: "Oh my God! (Fat gurgling noise) How have you been, I haven't seen you in so long!"
The Dick: (Reacting faster than a turtle in a hurricane) "Yeah, I had stomach cancer last semester...and, umm missed a lot of class."
Blob: "OH MY LORD I'M SO SORRY. ARE YOU OK?"
The Dick: "Yeah, but I'm going to go over here now..."
See what I did there? I made the story too overbearing to stay and chat. I didn't want to be a buzz kill to a wasted lardo. On second though, yes I did. Fuck her, she sucks. - Ok, time for the final solution. So you see some cockface coming towards you and just at the right moment, give them a stern middle finger and a passionate, "Fuck you, you fuckass Jerk Diggler!" Thing is, if I have somewhere to be, don't piss me off for no reason. And if I have nowhere to be, don't piss me off for no reason.
I’d like to conclude this rant with one final thought. A friend once asked me, "Dick Dastardly, if you could fuck any woman in the history of the world, imaginary or real...who comes to mind first?” Well, I thought it over, and then said as ugly as she was, just for the money and power, "Queen Elizabeth."
After calling me a crazy fuck with a good answer, he replied, "You know, there is no right or wrong response here, but I have the best one. I would fuck the Virgin Mary."
Skeet skeet...I'm gone!
