The House That Satan Built
by Jim Almeida
Editor's Note: The following article doesn’t really have a whole lot to do with the theme of My Fake Leg, but we are posting it to help out a friend of ours. If his life were a sitcom, the description of this episode would be "Jimmy’s house burns down and hilarity ensues."
2002: Jimmy buys a home at 124 Line Road, Fall River MA. Unfortunately, the property straddles the Fall River, MA/Tiverton, RI line.
January 7th, 2003: Jimmy’s house burns down while he is at work. Ironically, the only thing that doesn’t catch fire is the plastic, combustible, tinsel-laden Christmas tree. The fire department leaves at 5pm. At 3am, what is left of the house catches fire again. Wa wa waaaaa.
2003-2004: In order to rebuild, Jimmy has to go to the Department of Environmental Law of Massachusetts so he can protect his secondary drinking water and put a new septic system in. This costs him $11,000 and was approved by the City of Fall River, MA.
October 31st, 2004: Jimmy moves back into his house on Halloween! Jimmy prays to every god in each faith that his house remains fire free, while wearing a Hershey’s kiss costume.
July 2005: Jimmy’s neighbors on the south side decide to put up a chain to block Line Road, stating that they own it and Jimmy has no rights to it. Jimmy goes to the City of Fall River for help and is told to go to Tiverton, RI since that part of the land is in Tiverton and Fall River has no rights to correct the problem. Tiverton, RI says this is Fall River, MA’s mess and the town of Tiverton would not get involved. Jimmy begins to get angry, and you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.
December 10th, 2005: The Providence Journal comes out to do a story after a major storm caused a tree to fall on power lines, resulting in a three-day power outage. Line road is blocked and Jimmy calls the Fall River Fire Department for help. The Fall River Fire Department says they have no record of Jimmy’s residence and that he is not living at a legal address. After one hour of back and forth between the Fall River and Tiverton Fire Departments, Fall River asks Jimmy if he can go meet or find them. Jimmy says “So, if I was burglarized and was stabbed, you would want me to walk 100 feet to the paved road where I can get in my car and drive to find you?” The Fall River Fire Department says, “Yes.” Luckily, the idiots soon decide that Jimmy IS within City Limits and come to get him. Coincidentally, for the next two days, Jimmy has the Keystone Cops song stuck in his head.
December 22nd, 2005: Jimmy goes to the City of Fall River and is told to get a petition signed by residents of Fall River so the Building Department would make his road official. Jimmy does so and hears nothing, but is satisfied with all of the useless autographs he has amassed.
January 2nd, 2006: Jim Harnett, Head of Planning for Fall River, calls Jimmy and asks why he is “being bothered with this request for a road.” Jimmy tries to explain, but Mr.Harnett interrupts saying he will not talk to Jimmy and will make sure this road never comes into existence. At a January 4th meeting, he says this again. Scientists have since discovered that Mr. Hartnett has a two inch penis and urinates on his own balls.
January 20th, 2006: Channel 10 News reporter Michelle Brown meets with Jimmy. The Planning Board’s attitude changes when they see news cameras. Surprise, surprise. At the end of the meeting, Mr.Harnett makes a comment about Jimmy’s road, stating that it is a waste of time and he recommends not approving it. Jimmy interrupts and for the next hour and 40 minutes, pleads his case. City Councilwoman Patricia Casey interrupts and advises the Planning Board that they have taken action in similar cases in the past for such emergencies and can fix this. The Planning Board approves the motion because they are gutless bitches.
January 28th, 2006: Jimmy writes to Senator Jack Reed (RI), Senator Lincoln Chaffee (RI), Senator Joan Menard (MA), Governor Don Carcieri (RI), Governor Mitt Romney (MA) and Lt. Governor Kerry Healy (MA) for help. Carcieri, Romney, and Healy all state that this is not their problem and cities and towns can do whatever they want. Menard’s office states they cannot do anything and Senator Chaffee is a complete waste of time. In response, Jimmy prepares to shit in five separate FedEx boxes and mail them out.
February 2006: Senator Reed writes the Town of Tiverton for help. It takes three months but the Town Administrator finally writes back stating that Jimmy’s access to his house would not be blocked and he could call for help any time. Jimmy is super happy!
May 2006: Jimmy takes a transfer to San Diego and puts his house up for sale.
June 2006: Jimmy’s realtor has an Open House but both neighbors to the south call their friends and family to park their cards and block the entire road. The Open House is a failure. Jimmy begins to loathe humanity.
June 2006: Jimmy calls the Town of Tiverton to make sure the road is unblocked after neighbors try to assault him.
July 2006: The neighbors move outlying rocks in an attempt to make the road inaccessible to Jimmy. They also hire an attorney who tells Jimmy not to trespass on Line Road or he’ll be sorry. Jimmy contemplates calling D’Olivera & Morgan because, according to their commercials, they can settle anything.
July 20th, 2006: Glenn Steckman, Town of Tiverton Administrator, comes down and supervises the neighbors building a rock wall to officially block Jimmy. The Chief of Police goes to the northerly neighbors and advises them that if they do not want Jimmy to travel on their property, Jimmy will have to leave. Outcome? Jimmy can’t afford D’Olivera & Morgan so he is forced from his home. Jimmy hires a lesser lawyer who sucks at his job and nothing happens. Jimmy fights back tears while watching Salem’s Lot to cheer him up.
October 2006: Jimmy writes the Attorney General, Department of Insurance, the President, Oprah – ANYONE for help. The Department of Insurance responds and says they can’t help. Attorney Generals in both states do not respond even after phone calls, certified letters, and e-mails. The Department of Environmental Management tells Jimmy if he is unable to empty sewage that can pollute Secondary Drinking water, he will go to jail. Senator Reed has become Jimmy’s special little pen pal, but nothing is being done. After four attempts to file a claim with his Title Insurance Company, they now supposedly hire a law firm to investigate. Jimmy sends them all the maps and talks to them, but they still have yet to investigate. The City of Fall River has never responded to Senator Reed. The Town of Tiverton only merely stated that Jimmy’s property is not on Line Road and he has no access to it. Oprah is too black and can’t be bothered with The Man’s problems.
Epilogue: As a last resort, Jimmy did a search in the Registry of Deeds six months after his house burned down. The City of Fall River named State Line Road (Bridle Way) even though it is in Tiverton, RI and corrected his neighbors (who are blocking him) and their addresses are 300, 302 and 304 Bridle Way. Jimmy’s address is 124 Line Road. This is all prior to Jimmy writing to everyone in the Milky Way who can read and the City of Fall River, telling him his address is 130 St. Mary Street, Fall River – eight miles from his real address and a total bogus address to boot. Jimmy’s Title Company is still playing games, where under the policy the Title Company’s agent lied and misled to ensure a sale. Fall River and Tiverton have landlocked Jimmy and changed all physical parts of his property, thus making his property nonexistent. Jimmy’s property is now apparently in an autonomous black hole that can’t be plotted on any map, ever. Jimmy has since fallen behind in his mortgage payments; giving a new meaning to the word “homeless”. He has mortgage payments, property and income tax payments, and yet can’t even live in his own home.
Editor’s Note: If anyone can think of a way to help Jimmy, let us know! We like having him around the house because he is a good slave and makes us tasty food, but he deserves to live in a house he can call his own with neighbors who aren’t psycho beasts from hell. Additionally, if you are a trained marksman or pseudo-vigilante and would like some practice on a few inbred, road-blocking, toothless locals, drop us a line! Join the fight and let’s all help Jim!
