The Day I was Saved...
by the Bell
Much like any other ordinary, middle class kid weaned on 1980’s television, I had my TV family that I looked to for guidance, advice, and comfort. While Mike Seaver and Theo Huxtable were the brothers I never had, there was a reluctant empty spot in my heart once the 90’s rolled around. Gone were the seemingly wholesome family values and fun-loving times, only to be replaced by an overwhelming sense of "keeping it real". By the end of the decade I had seemingly been abandoned and led astray in a sea of reruns; an 8 year old adrift in a cruel, unforgiving world.
Then one Saturday morning I heard the bell ring. At that moment everything fell back into place, the known universe properly aligned and balanced again. It was then that I knew. It was then when I realized I had been Saved By The Bell. Thank the television Gods for ushering in the new decade with some semblance of hope. With it’s cheesy guitar riff and blatant Zubaz-themed intro I finally had my television family back.
I’ve created this easy to read diagram to help explain what SBTB meant to the average male citizen. Let’s break it down then, shall we?
The Male Nipple: Screech Powers
Utterly useless like his anatomical doppelganger, Screech was obviously the nerd of the bunch. However, it’s common knowledge that his situation—the dork that hung with the cool kids—was, how you say, completely fucking fictional in real life. Let’s face it, in high school none of the cool kids ever associated with the likes of Mr. Powers. In fact, it’s guys like Screech that got so tired of being forced to eat urinal cakes that they ended up bringing machine guns to school. Fortunately, this wasn’t the case at Bayside High. Nay, the “Home of the Tigers” was a virtual haven for nerds everywhere. To Bayside’s credit though, they did get one thing right in respect to Screech’s kind: unsuccessful attempts at interracial love. No chocolate love for you Mr. Powers. Not that it ever stopped Screech though. This male nipple just kept right on living the dream and ended up macking it with Violet Bickerstaff a.k.a. Tori Spelling. True story, look it up.
The Blue Vein: Lisa Turtle
Ok first off I didn’t put Lisa here because this one’s the closest thing to black so stop calling me a racist. You see Lisa illustrates the innate fashion sense we all possess and that’s why I used the blue vein to describe her. You see that vein brings the blood (gossip) from all over the body (other students) back to the heart (Kelly) thus allowing us…ok I have absolutely no idea where this is going so I’m going to end it by saying Lisa Turtle was really hot. She gave me jungle fever. Not kidding.
Biceps: A.C. Slater
This was a tough one because I was originally going to use Slater’s jerry curl to demonstrate American male machismo, but I opted for the biceps considering whenever possible, A.C. had his muscles exposed for the ladies. I’m pretty sure he was the first ever weightlifting high school student on television—or at least the first Mexican one. Either way, Slater and his biceps were responsible for teaching every male the following 3 things:
- How to open a locker with your fist or elbow.
- How to wear acid washed jeans.
- How to get away with calling a girl "Momma".
Every guy wanted to be a little like Slater in some form or fashion. Well, maybe not fashion but you get my drift. The guy was the typical troubled urban jock who, thanks to movies like The Program, The Gladiator, and White Men Can’t Jump, unsurprisingly rose to prominence in the 90’s. Because of his rocky relationship with his father and an army brat upbringing, Slater always had a chip on his shoulder and an attitude to match. Seemingly always in a competition with Zack over something (starts with a "p" and ends with an "ussy"), it’s fair to say he at least won the battle of the biceps. Still, it’s hard to put my finger on it but something always bothered me about A.C. Slater. I think he might’ve enjoyed the locker room a little too much.
Mouth: Zack Morris
The voice of a thousand comebacks. Perhaps the slickest talking high school student of all time, Zack was the epitome of awesome in the early 90’s. Every guy wanted to be like him and every girl wanted to be with him. With his jeans tucked into his sneakers, the perfect hair, and the first and most recognizable cellular phone on earth, "Preppy" could do no wrong. As if to further distance himself from mere mortals and prove his omnipotence, Zack had the uncanny ability to stop time itself by forming a 'T' with his hands. This always amazed me and I spent countless hours trying this behind people’s backs in school only to be met with awkward looks and furrowed brows. Despite my best efforts, sadly, I was no Zack Morris. Thanks to Saturday morning TV though, I could vicariously live through him. God bless the young wizard of witticism.
Heart: Kelly Kapowski
She was the object of affection of every male and my personal obsession as a youth. Whereas the ultimate 90’s sex symbol seemed out of reach, Kelly had just enough girl-next-door charm to think there might be a remote chance you could get with her. That was the idea at least because, come on, there was no way in hell any normal guy would get to lay his hands on or even speak to Kelly…except Zack or that Jeff Gordon looking weinerdog guy that no one liked (who also happened to be named Jeff). I’ll be the first to admit I fantasized over Kelly Kapowski. No, seriously, it happened. Then just to make things worse (or better, depending on how you look at it) she defied her SBTB roots, put on a little weight, and went all gonzo-slut mega hooker on that other show about "kids" in college. In all honesty, along with Christian Hollings of RAD, Kelly Kapowski was the hottest tv/movie brunette ever. I would’ve willingly been Kali-Ma’d by her and loved every second of it. She could’ve kept my heart too.
Aorta: Mr. Belding
I can’t think of a more fitting body part for ol’ Dick Belding than the aorta. He was the lifeblood of the whole get-up and kept everything running smoothly like a well-oiled machine. He doled out helpful advice to his students much like the aorta delivers blood to all the body parts. He even did it with a delightful laugh…let’s see you do that aorta. Anyways, the real reason I put Mr. Belding last is not only because he was a better television principal than any real life ones I’ve had, but also because one special night in March I actually met the man himself. Scour the internet for a karaoke club named Dimples. Actually, don’t worry about it, I linked it for you. If you ever get the chance to drop in on the bar you too might get a chance to meet the principal of principals like I did.
I remember walking through the door with my girlfriend, her friend Rasputin, and their black, wheelchair-bound roommate HotWheels. Since the bar was pretty crowded we ordered a round of rum and cokes and a few beers and sat back while soaking everything in. Just then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone standing near the stage that looked strangely familiar. I leaned over to my girlfriend and excitedly whispered, “Holy shit! I think that’s Mr. Belding!” Sure enough I was right and after a few drinks I got to see what the man was like sans suit, tie, and classroom. Let me tell you, this guy is a fucking pimp. I saw him getting numbers from girls that wouldn’t have even been in grade school when he was at Bayside. I literally was posted up at the bar laughing as this guy got more digits than a math book. Oh but he wasn’t done; in fact, this was just a warm-up as he then proceeded to go on stage (to thundering applause) and do some Billy Joel karaoke. While I didn’t get a picture of him singing this particular night, here’s one I found online.
As the night progressed and the drinks multiplied, I took the initiative and went over and introduced myself to Mr. Belding. We actually talked for awhile and after seeing my Red Sox hat (which I wasn’t allowed to wear inside so I was forced to carry it around like an idiot) he professed to love the East Coast and New England especially. Seeing as I am originally from California I failed to share in his enthusiasm but he was a really cool guy so I let it slide. He then pulled out the trump card on me. As we were discussing the finer points of New England life two extremely trashy girls dragged their vaginas our way in order to speak with the Overlord of Bayside High. They turned on the slut magic for Belding but he wasn’t buying it. Finally he looked at me and smirked and turned back around to the girls and said something I couldn’t quite hear. Next thing I know these two bitches are groping each other and making out right in front of us! I don’t even think I could make something up which would rival that. Here I am at a random karaoke bar in L.A. watching Mr. Belding ordering two chicks to make out with one another. I’m still not sure if I really witnessed this or made it up in my head but my girlfriend saw it too and she says it did, in fact, occur. Afterwards he acted like it was no big deal (which it probably wasn’t considering he is Mr. Belding). It was then that I asked if we could take our picture with him and he gratefully accepted. I’ll never forget that night and I’ll always remember how that one fateful Saturday morning, I was saved.
If you’re sitting there wondering where Jesse Spano is, forget it. She tried to OD on fucking caffeine pills. That’s not even possible. She’s dead to me.
