Surprising Conclusions
to Idiotic Arguments
People have strange fantasies. Obviously by "people" you may think I’m trying to avoid incriminating my fellow male cohorts out there. Not true. In fact, women have ridiculously complicated fantasies that range from sheepish and tame to downright outlandish and scary (given those special few are a much smaller percentage of the female population). That being said, the perception that men have all the bizarre fantasies can be justified by the fact that 1.) we're simply more vocal about the issue, and 2.) the majority of media outlets are male dominated therefore the programming, censorship, sexuality, and language are all geared toward pleasing their targeted male audience.
The reason I bring this whole thing to light is that several years ago a group of us were enjoying the company of alcohol when the not-so-surprising game of “Who would you rather have sex with?” sprang up. After the cast of usual suspects ran its course (including the Jolie's, Jameson's, and Alba's of the world), our attention turned to more peculiar women—most notably the fictional type. From the two-dimensional cartoon realm (highlighted by a heated Wonder Woman vs. Jessica Rabbit debate that nearly started a brawl), to the anthropomorphic (Ms. Piggy vs. Cleo) I realized then that my friends and I were quickly descending to the depths of male acceptability. Oh, and before I go any further, it bears mentioning that out of the six of us, five had girlfriends, including myself. Also, in case you were wondering, I clearly voted for both Jessica Rabbit and Cleo. Coincidentally the only single guy was the lone idiot that argued in favor of Wonder Woman. And to any women out there that might think this is repulsive or abnormal, you clearly have underestimated us.
Anyways, after consuming numerous beverages and before I could stop any further progress of the game, someone blurted out that they’d always thought mermaids were hot and that they wouldn’t shy away from banging one. Yup, ladies and gentlemen, we're now officially toeing the line. Obviously this is the type of thing that could be referred to as "game changing" in that it opened up a can of worms and rerouted the rest of the night's events. Naturally being that we were drunk, we weighed the pros and cons of being in said situation—from where one would find a mermaid to how one would convince them to have sex—everything was covered. Well, not everything. You see after hearing this nonsense for well over ten minutes, I was amazed that the most obvious point had yet to be mentioned. I continued waiting in hopes that at least one of the guys would realize how retarded they sounded. Finally I put my drink down and stood up on the couch and shouted, "What are you fucking retarded? YOU CAN'T FUCK A MERMAID. THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE VAGINAS."
Looking back on it, this makes me look like the biggest non-pussy getting super fag on the planet. It also happens to be one of the biggest unintentional comedy moments of my life; however, at the time it was taken completely serious to the point that a few of the guys just stared at me in shock since that small fact had gone completely over their heads. It was one of those moments where heads collectively began to nod and you could hear the reality set in around the living room. It was then that one of the guys scratched his head and looked up and uttered, "Yea well I bet they'd give great head." Now, who am I to argue with logic like that?
