Style From A Saint
I'm no fashion expert. I don't understand Project Runway when VJC tries to explain the nuances. In fact, I'm the lone male holding out hope that maybe No Fear will come back into fashion someday. Hell, I'm still trying to remember to bathe on a regular basis. That being said, when I laid eyes on The Saint, I knew there was hope.
Wait, you don't know The Saint, do you? Well, technically I don't really know him either, but I've met the legend and a one-time handshake was more than enough. Anyways, let me set the table for you before I delve into the man we call "The Saint".
Once upon a time when we lived in Lil' Rhody, VJC and I frequented an establishment which held karaoke night every Wednesday. Now normally, because we were regular patrons, we knew everyone at the bar (including the couple who ran karaoke). We also happened to be that couple who had "their" booth and unspoken dibs on it at all times.
Regardless of our pathetic-ness, we were jarred out of our usual stupor when the bold strides of a goateed anti-hero strode past us. Under normal circumstances, I'd say I'm pretty fast on the draw when it comes to observational humor, but this left me speechless. Despite scalding my retinas, I'll try my best to break down The Saint's apparel while you drink in the following picture:
1. While it's not pictured, it must be noted that after parking his Schwinn mountain bike outside, The Saint saddled up to the bar with a WalMart grocery bag in tow. Nothing says, "I'm a loner, Dottie; a rebel" quite like a foldable, plastic attaché case.
2. Yep, in case you were keeping score on your Alphie robot way back there in the 80's, those are genuine acid-washed jean….shorts. I'm willing to bet my first issue of Nintendo Power he's wearing one of those double-sided black/brown belt too.
3. I'm no dermatologist and I can't speak for The Saint, but I will anyway because it's so damn obvious. This man is clearly white. He is wearing a Dominican Republic mesh tanktop (which included a web address on the front).
4. Are those Timberland boots, Mr. Manimal? Why yes, my friend. While it's a reach to see jean shorts/boots in such harmony, remember that he showed up to the bar on a bike. For some reason this looks like something one of the Frog brothers from Lost Boys would pull…and pull it off in spades.
5. One. Fingerless. Glove. Fact.
6. We're not raging alcoholics (by our own account at least) and this isn't 11a.m., but The Saint has sunglasses on. Cue Corey Hart and channel your inner John Bender ("…[F]or better hallway vision"). On a positive note, he later removed his glasses and proved he did have eyeballs, so he's got that going for him.
7. Although not entirely visible, if you look closely, you'll spy a wavy mullet singing backup. Paired with the burgeoning gray goatee, The Saint has both follicle ends covered.
8. As far as accessories are concerned, The Saint is not only sporting a puka shell necklace, but a Kabbalah bracelet as well. I mean, if that's not multiculturalism at it's purest, I give up.
9. Don't think the nickname "Saint" is of my own creation either. Nay, this sultan of style rolled up to the mic under "Michael V. St. John." I know, I couldn't believe it either! I think even porn stars would scoff at such an exaggeration, but The Saint laughs in the face of death.
Frankly, I don't know what's ballsier: the fact that he showed up dressed that way or that he tried to belt out Snow Patrol's "Chasing Cars" a.k.a. the theme from Grey's Anatomy with a straight face. Either way, he was so mesmerizingly terrible, I had to shake his hand and congratulate him afterwards.
"Thanks man. It was ok," he replied.
No sir, thank you.
