You Can't Spell "Gay"
Without "Pink"
It’s a preordained birthright, an unspoken law of nature. Ever since we were tugged, pushed, and pulled out of a vagina we were given these strict color-coded mandates from our superiors. What did the hospital staff clothe boys in? Blue. Now what did those same staffers cover the little girls in? What was it again? Oh yes, that bastard lovechild between Red and White. That was the way things worked and everything was right with the world.
Now, fast-forward a few decades and look what has happened. Apparently not only do "men" think they can get away with wearing pink, but women are actually encouraging it. I was willing to let the whole popped collar thing slide (hoping it would die a slow, painful death) but now it’s being teamed with the pink polo look and that screams “douchebag”. I had an argument with a female college student about this when I was in Miami (coincidentally where this whole tidal wave of metrosexuality started):
Me: Honestly, why would a supposedly sane male dress
in pink?
Her: Oooo, I think pink is hot on guys. It makes them
look manly. It shows they are tough enough to wear it.
Me: (pause)...Sometimes I wish it was legal to beat women.
Not to defend Miami, but at least it was the 80’s then—when people had mullets, when male rockstars (hey look, pink) dressed like females, and when crack was king. Hell, maybe it was because of all that cocaine that some otherwise heterosexual male thought pink would look good. For further reinforcement of the issue, I’ve taken the liberty to draw up a visual aide:
The picture on the left, which obviously is not you, was taken in 1985. By my inept mathematical count, that’s 21 years ago. Furthermore, in Miami Vice Sonny Crockett (Don Johnson) was an undercover cop pretending to be a big time drug runner. Did I mention he was super rich and drove a Ferrari? Either way, at that time I was 3 and even then I knew pink was a poor fashion choice (especially if you’re not a big time drug runner and instead of a Ferrari, you have to sit shotgun while your Mom drives the Volvo). That’s not to say it doesn’t work for some guys. Gay guys can pull it off because they’re well, gay, but that isn’t the point nor are they the target of this article. I’m talking about the straight guys at parties with the diagonally tilted hat or gelled up hair (made to look unkempt), new ripped jeans (made to look old), and that beacon of idiocracy—the pink polo shirt. To ensure everyone notices, he also usually comes equipped with a popped collar, several unnecessary sweatbands, a dark tan (even though it’s winter), and usually some form of diamond earring(s). Here are a few more examples courtesy of the Webshots Database:
Honestly, I’ll be the first to admit I don’t have the best fashion sense. Do I like the suits I have? Obviously, or I wouldn’t own them. Have I rocked sweats for entire days at a time? You bet your pink polo I have, but that doesn’t mean I can’t spot an awful trend when I see it. It’s right up there with Zubaz pants, Bolo ties, socks and sandals, and for the love of God fanny packs. Luckily for you pastel wearing Sallies out there thinking you’re “pimps” or “gangsta”, there is hope. Here's a website just for you guys and your misguided ways: Real Men Wear Pink. Go listen to Jack Johnson and play your acoustic guitars.
Checkmate.
