Lesbo Is More
by Baron Von Cocksworth
Like any kid of the 80s, I was addicted to syndicated re-runs of The Brady Bunch. I was glued in front of the television everyday at 4:30 watching weakling Bobby beat older brother Greg – who, with the exception of Sam Malone, was the biggest pimp on TV - in a pull-up contest and Cindy always looking for her fucking gay Kitty Carryall doll. Sure, it’s blatantly homo to me now, but a recent story has rejuvenated my love for the family with the most fucked up dynamics ever. Maureen McCormick, who played the lovely Marcia, will release a tell-all book next year where she reveals some lesbian playtime with co-star Eve Plumb, who played the hideous Jan.
Huh? Now I'm sure I won't be the only one to question Marcia's choice in carpet-munching partner; I mean this is the same girl who had to make up a fake boyfriend (George Glass) and had to rub lemons on her face to hide the ugliness. And what does it say about Marcia's standards? Couldn't she do better? Hell, I was only eight, but I would have fucked her eight ways from Sunday (even though at that time she was like 46).
Regardless, this revelation is insanely awesome. Never would I have thought these two would be the big lesbos on the show (I always penciled in Alice as The Man in the Box). According to publishers of Here’s The Story, Marcia developed a crush on Jan, which led to a little playful petting. I can only wonder if she made Jan wear that black wig.
This all-female brigade got me thinking about what other co-stars I’d love to see go at it. So, in no particular order, here’s a list of shows with two females – all of whom played straight roles – I think would make good members of The L Word cast.
1. Three’s Company: So obvious. I seriously have no idea how Jack Tripper used so much restraint with all of that exposed ass running around their second-story apartment. Maybe he was gay, but that’s another story for another day. Janet, the mainstay on the show, wasn’t a looker, but I can only assume that she was a nut in the sack. Then there was Chrissy, Terri and Cindy. Just envisioning Chrissy’s floppy, 70s boobs on Janet’s face has me like a Regal Beagle in heat.
2. Just the Ten of Us: A short-lived spin-off of Growing Pains, this show chronicled the life of a high school basketball coach with like a billion kids. Just the fact that Graham T. Lubbock could get laid 10 times is amazing in and of itself. But what he spawned was even more amazing: twin knockout daughters. I would seriously pay 30-40 dollars to see Cindy (Jamie Luner) and Wendy (Brooke Theiss) Lubbock tongue surf each other’s taco. Maybe they could have had their own spin-off show?
3. Beverly Hills, 90210: Now the choices here are infinite, but I’m going to narrow it down to two. Valerie Malone (Tiffani-Amber Theissen) and Kelly Taylor (Jennie Garth) flat out hated each other though the show’s entirety, and you know that angst is going to come out in the bedroom. There will be enough slapping, biting and hair pulling to keep pace with any episode of Melrose Place.
4. Step By Step: The poor-man’s Brady Bunch, this was a terrible show in which a husband with a crapload of kids and a wife with her own set of brats got together to create a superfamily. Now you’re probably thinking I’m going to pick the two oldest daughters, Dana (Staci Keanan) and Angela (Angela Watson) Foster. But you’d be wrong. I’ll take Angela, but Dana always reminded me of a man with long hair. Alicia Lambert, played by the delicious Christine Lakin, was a bit younger but a lot hotter than her older sibling. She was the Hayden Panettiere of her day.
5. Boy Meets World: Topanga Lawrence-Matthews (Danielle Fishel) and anyone. I simply want to see her naked.
6. Gilligan’s Island: Now I didn’t watch too much of this show, but I know enough to know there were two smoking hot chicks in the lineup. Ginger Grant (Tina Louise) and Mary Ann Summers (Dawn Wells) were responsible for the phenomenon of men masturbating in front of the television. It was 1964, and they were stuck on an island. And when you’re on an island, what do you wear? As little as possible. I think the writers of this show really dropped the ball by not writing in the experimentation episode. If girls drink enough of that coconut juice and there’s enough guys around to bait them, you can bet fingers will be disappearing at a torrid pace.
7. Sex in the City: With a sex columnist and a skank whore at my disposal, there are obvious choices here, but I’m going in a different direction. I’d love to see Miranda Hobbes (Cynthia Nixon) and Charlotte York (Kristen Davis) toss each other’s salad. Why? Because hilarity would ensue. Charlotte can’t even have sex with a man, so why would she be any better with a woman? Miranda, on the other hand, I’m certain was a lesbian to begin with, so it would more of a nurturing/teaching session than anything else. Additionally, it would be funny to see Cynthia get her braces caught on Charlotte’s landing strip (yes, I’m gay for knowing so much about this show).
8. Friends: Why this show needed men in the first place is still a mystery to me. Personally, I thought Ross brought nothing to the table, and Joey only fueled my hatred for Italians. Chandler was ok, but we’d need someone to hold the video camera anyway. The always competitive Monica Geller (Courtney Cox) and Rachel Green (Jennifer Anniston) would make a perfect lesbo couple simply for the fact that I’ve whipped up several batches to them individually. Putting them in a hot girl-on-girl scene would spawn more rapes than Woodstock ‘99.
9. The Wonder Years: While their characters didn’t have too much interaction, that’s what makes it all the better. Winnie Cooper (Danica McKellar) was never really interested in Kevin Arnold, she simply wanted to pave the way to get to his older sister, Karen (Olivia d’Abo). I can’t believe I didn’t put this together sooner. Karen was a filthy hippie, and you know she was into that shit, anyway. So when shy Winnie came knocking at the door, and Kevin was outside beating Paul Pfieffer’s ass in hoops for the 23,403th time, Karen and her stash of peyote took over.
10. The Golden Girls: I didn’t choose this particular show because I’d want to see Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak (Bea Arthur) and Sophia Petrillo (Estelle Getty) go clam digging. I did it because it’s like Haley’s Comet – something you see only every 86 years. The stories you could tell your friends when you get home would live in infamy. Bea Arthur looks like a totem pole of shit to begin with, and I’m pretty sure Estelle Getty died during the first season of the show and they merely propped her up and mouthed her lines the same way they did with Mr. Ed. Plus, you know Blanche (Rue McClanahan) would dive in the snizz at the drop of a hat. Ahh, lesbian gold. (Ed. Note: Estelle Getty was the youngest member of the cast. There’s some geezer trivia for you all.)
So what started with Marcia, Marcia, Marcia, has given birth to a myriad of lesbian possibilities fueled by some of the shittiest television ever. If you’d like to debate these choices – and you’ll be wrong - or have a few of your own, write to Baron Von Cocksworth at myfakeleg@gmail.com.
