Legends Of The Fucking Impossible
From 1993-1995 Nickelodeon owned my life. No waiver. No affidavit. Just straight up brainwashing by means of the greatest game show in history not to have Marc Summers or the word “Plinko” involved. Legends of the Hidden Temple was a kick in the nuts wake-up call to other game shows that they better get their shit together because this was the real deal.
If you haven’t seen the show or can’t remember the details it’s probably safe to say you’re in community college or working at a gas station because your life is meaningless. But just for nostalgia’s sake, I’ll give you all the rundown on LHT. Six co-ed teams competed in various themed physical challenges until one team was left; at which point they earned the right to enter the Temple itself in order to retrieve a specific artifact. The only problem was that the Temple was the most difficult task in the history of mankind. But before we get to that, let’s take a closer look because the show had so much more to offer.
Teams
While the contestants were different for each show, the six teams never changed:
Host
A younger, 90’s version of Indiana Jones, Kirk Fogg led the sheep to the slaughter at the steps of the Temple Gates. Come to think of it, I don’t really understand why Fogg was involved with Legends at all. He didn’t introduce the show. He didn’t ask any of the questions. He didn’t even tell the story to the contestants. He did, however, wear a semi-fashionable tool belt type thing around his waist though. I’m almost positive this is where he kept tiny morsels of children’s souls in order to appease Olmec. Speaking of which...
Olmec
Although the show, by Nickelodeon’s admission, was of Mayan influence, the great talking statue Olmec was clearly of Aztec descent. Regardless of his debatable heritage, this giant fiery-eye monolith of death took charge from the opening credits and never looked back. Olmec’s main job was to introduce the story for each episode. Some examples include: Galileo’s Cannonball, The Ivory Elephant of Shahrazad, and How I Got Drunk and Made Your Little Sister.
Challenges
MOAT
In order to weed out the teams with the Downs, there was an initial physical challenge held before the story part of the show. Although there wasn’t an actual name for the event, it was often referred to simply as “The Moat”. This basically consisted of all six teams lined up along a pool with ropes strung across overhead and a small raft at their feet. On Fogg’s command one member of each team would get on the raft and use the ropes (or whatever means necessary, as long as they stayed on the raft) to get to the other side. Then it would be sent back for the second team member. The first four teams with both members across the moat would hit their respective gongs and move on to the next round. The two teams that were disqualified (usually the Red Jaguars and Orange Iguanas) were dangled upside down above Olmec’s mouth while he roasted the flesh off their bones and laughed. Coincidentally, this also served as the first commercial break.
STEPS OF KNOWLEDGE
This was where the teams got their first real glimpse at the power of Olmec. He would come out and tell a short story about a specific artifact (like the examples I listed above). Meanwhile the teams would be arranged on a set of descending and progressively smaller steps. After Olmec finished the tale he would ask a series of questions pertaining to the story. In order to buzz in a player simply stomped on the step (which then lit up) while they gave an answer. If it was correct, the team would move down one step. This continued until only two teams remained. Kirk Fogg then berated the two losing teams while telling them they were adopted. He proceeded to give them one pair of Moonshoes to split while they cried. Ta da! Commercial break.
TEMPLE GAMES
The Temple Games consisted of three physical challenges that varied and changed from season to season. They also were specifically themed (albeit loosely) on the particular story of that show. The teams competed for two “Pendants of Life” which would be used later in the Temple Run. The first two challenges were worth a half pendant each. The third challenge was more difficult and thus worth an entire pendant. For example, one of the episodes I found on the internet was The Secret Map of the Bandit Queen. In it, the first Temple Game consisted of a vertical maze in which the two opposing male players had to work their way down from the top and then pull a rope which was attached to a sack full of jewels. The first player to do so won the half pendant for his team.
The second challenge for this specific episode was staged for the two females and had them riding on giant bags attached to bungee cords. The objective was to see who could stay on the longest while the girls were tossed about (similar to bull riding at a country bar). Nothing like programming 14 year old girls’ minds that people like to watch them rhythmically bounce and hold on to objects with their thighs. Pedophiles everywhere, you can thank Nickelodeon for that one.
The third and final Temple Game involved both team members attached to each other with a harness but separated by a giant wall maze. They had to work together in order to maneuver sideways, down, and around towards a big opening where one of them could step through and stand next to their teammate. Afterwards the life pendants would be given out and whichever team had more pieces would move on to the Temple Run (although this specific episode went to a tiebreaker question because both teams had one pendant each).
The Temple Run
3:00 minutes. 12 rooms. How hard can it be? Oh, about as hard as giving yourself a colonoscopy blindfolded with your arms behind your back, using a pair of salad tongs. Seriously, have you seen this fucking thing? Look at this map. Each room had at least 2 ways in or out. To make matters worse, some doors would be randomly locked often forcing the player to backtrack. With rooms like The Tomb of the Headless Kings, the Dark Forest, and The Crypt you just knew this thing was the balls. But ask anyone that’s seen the show and they’ll most likely tell you the room they remember the most was The Shrine of the Silver Monkey. Why? Because it was always in the top middle part of the Temple and players were always too fucking stupid to put the three statue pieces together in the right order.
Speaking of the number three, in my research I’ve noticed that 6 of the 12 rooms specifically involved sets of threes. And considering there’s two team members and each can potentially go through all the same rooms, that makes it 666. Coincidence? Hardly. Nickelodeon was dabbling in the Dark Arts with this moneymaker. Even from my couch I could tell Olmec was Satan himself. And he’ll be damned if you’re going to head on into his Temple with a spray painted helmet and fruity shirt on to steal his artifacts.
As if that wasn’t enough Legends went the extra mile and added the Horsemen of the Apocalypse too (although to keep it G-rated Nickelodeon called them Temple Guards). Honestly, I admit these bastards scared the crap out of me and I always jumped when a player was caught by one of them. I’m not the only one though. In fact I remember an episode where a Temple Guard jumped out and grabbed one of the players and he screamed, tripped over the set, and fell out onto the studio floor. They often hid in the Quicksand Bog or the Dark Forest and I vividly remember screaming at the players through my television to avoid those goddamn rooms. I wouldn’t be surprised if during the show’s run one of the players pissed themselves. That’s why I think each team was given yellow sweats. Anyways, once caught, a team member had to relinquish their Pendant of Life at which point the other member was allowed to enter the Temple. Not that it mattered though because I never saw anyone ever beat the Temple. EVER. It was unbeatable. I don’t care what anyone says. You’d be better off trying to get Michael Jackson to turn black and stop fondling kids. In fact stop reading this because you’ve already lost. Times up. Olmec’s going to drink your blood now.
