Know Thine Enemy
Of the small percentage of things males and females are known to have in common, shitting is by far the most overlooked. An essential human function, shitting does not discriminate—black, white, fat, tall, man, woman, midget, tranny, everyone has or will drop a deuce at one point or another. However, much like the variety of people who shit, the types of shit themselves are often just as diverse. And who better than a serial shitting connoisseur like myself to run down the list? Grab your Charmin Bear, a newspaper, and try not to pop a blood vessel!
The 80/20
A usual customer amongst males (females feel free to voice your opinion), the ocho deuce-o refers to the percentage of dook that makes it into the porcelain on the initial go-round. The first three-quarters plus go right on through, no questions asked, but the latter twenty percent cling to dear life like Jacko babies. Think of it kind of like accidentally breaking the stem off of a banana when you’re trying to peel it. What’s worse is you frequently wear out your wrist from wiping and often question how the hell such a little amount can cause so much frustration. Don’t be too hasty lest ye wind up with a wipe-induced friction burn. That’s my motto. Write that down.
The Stuttering Stanley
I’ve known a few stutterers in my day and so I always crack a smile when the Stanleys decide to drop by unexpectedly. If the moviereference stillfails you, the SS’s are those forceful, uzi-type dooks that come flying out of your body fastenough to make Doc Brownproud. Thereason I call them Stuttering Stanleys though is they always remind me of a kid trying to say “F-f-f-f-f-f-f-first!” Take heed and always layer your wiping efforts so as not to get the Sloppy Stinkhand of Doom. You can thank me for permanently embedding that in your subconscious if you’d like.
Devil's Soup
The vilest of the vile. This hot, stank, turd lava can actually make a man question his own sanity and physical well-being. Typically a corn-filled, melted chocolate delight, Devil’s Soup usually rears its watery head after a hard night of boozing or a bout with gangrene. Alternatively known as the Hangover’s Helper, I believe this definitively proves the existence of some higher power. Honestly, there’s no form of revenge to match this type of punishment. The Devil’s Soup is the kind of crap where you actively try and cover all toilet seat openings in hope of blocking the smell from radiating up towards your face. It’s the type where once you’ve stood and pulled your pants up, you have to avert your face while flushing because it’s so horrible. God help the person who has to follow this anal monstrosity.
Goat Balls
Trickling out of your ass like a sack of quarters dropping into a mall fountain, the Goat Ballsbuck the trend that consistency is the key to success. These autonomous shit minions understand the notion of "divide and conquer" while plunging into the frigid toilet water like bombs during a German Blitzkrieg. That being said, the GBs are quite possibly the funniest member of this shit list. Much like a child’s laughter, nothing brings a smile to your face like the unmistakable "plip, ploop, plip, plop, plip" sound. As an added bonus, the GBs usually give you that misty, giggle-inducing splashback, while also requiring little to no wiping. Thumbs up.
The Frozen Fist
Ball your fist up. Hold it in front of your face. Now contemplate what that would feel like going through a tube about the diameter of a golf ball. Or, for you Animal Planet viewers out there, Tivo an anaconda eating an animal and then play it backwards in slow motion. Get the picture? Unfortunately, many a man (and possibly woman) has experienced this while grasping the sides of the bowl with white knuckles. Being of the male persuasion, I constantly hear how we’ll never know the pain of childbirth. Um, wrong. This is pretty damn close—and it flushes a lot easier too! Anyways, the Frozen Fist often requires copious amounts of toilet paper due to the intense splashback but afterwards you always feel relieved like right after you’ve finished a final exam!
The Backdraft
A humorous little fellow, this sly devil is eerily similar to the well-known fire phenomenon. Seasoned veterans understand the threat posed with its initial peek-a-boo appearance, but rookies will undoubtedly play it off and try and ride it out. Bad idea. No sooner has it recoiled in a calm-before-the-storm manner then it comes rumbling through your intestines like a runaway herd of buffalo while your ass cheeks put up a defense akin to cardboard shields on the Death Star.
The O.J.
Despite all the evidence of a shit taking place, there’s no shit in the bowl and you’re left scratching your head going, "Ya know, there’s a shit somewhere in this bathroom." That’s it, that’s all.
Well, there you have it, a blue collared guy’s shitty breakdown. I know there are plenty other nuggets of dookie information out there so feel free to chime in with your own variations. Naturally, you can mix and match any of these (think of the ones I’ve listed as sort of the primary colors of shit) so be creative! If you don’t mind though, I’ve been turtling for the better part of an hour and I’m starting to sweat so I’ve got to run. Happy crapping!
