J Rock & Jeebus
by J Rock the Penetrator
Today is Ash Wednesday, so you know what that means: Millions of wafer-eaters are walking around with smudges on their heads that automatically bring them closer to the Lord. Really? Does that work? What if I snuff out a cigarette in my eye? Does that put me in something akin to the presidential Christ donors association? Is there an annual banquet with beer and hookers? I assume not. Jesus was notorious for his poor party hosting. I mean come on, bread and wine? I bet there weren't even readily available rufies to drop in the drinks of every young, Jewish virgin… not that you'd really need it for Mary Magdalene.
I don't mean to sound sacrilegious, even though every other word out of my mouth is. I definitely respect Catholics and the fact that they're willing to give up something they value for 40 days and 40 nights. That's 960 hours of absolute devotion to the fucking Lord! Well, I mean out of 4,760 hours in a year it doesn't seem that much. Not to mention the feast days. So it really comes out to something like 894 hours of absolute devotion to our Lord and Savior. Come to think of it, combined, I probably spend more time thinking about Brett Favre and masturbating (sometimes those are not mutually exclusive,) than your average Catholic does fasting. Interesting.
Plus, who really gives up something that important. My mother gives up broccoli, which she doesn't eat anyway, Britney Spears gave up hair, and I heard the President gave up finger-fucking Laura in the Oval Office. None of these things seem that important.
One year, a la Josh Hartnett, I gave up sex for Lent. Gradually it was amended as the fasting went on. First, sex was out. Oral sex was cool, but only in cars. I did this because my room was obviously a haven for sin, seeing as we painted the walls with the blood of virgins and Lutherans. Well, that and I kind of like hitting the horn and screaming at imaginary motorists while engaged in sexual congress. After getting sick of stealing my friends' keys so I could get blown in their automobiles, I amended it to oral sex outside of the confines of my room. This backfired when I received the most delectable head from a girl in the Campus Ministry office.
Finally I decided sex was ok, as long as Christmas music was playing in the background. The ladies were obviously freaked out when I'd jump up and say, "Oh shit! I forgot to put on, "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus!" Come to think of it, I think that Lenten season was my most productive in terms of sexual conquest. THANKS JESUS!
