I'm Bossy
Do you hate your job? Get in line. Some people can't stand the hours, some whine about the lack of perks, and still others complain incessantly about their bosses. I'm here to say that I fall into the last category. In fact, I've been critical of every boss I've worked for from the moment I took my first "real" job at 14. Actually, fuck that, I've been whining about bosses ever since I could hold my cousin's Atari 2600. You see, video games, in my not-so-humble opinion, are a means of catharsis. Can't punch your real boss? Hell, plug in your XBox and chainsaw a fake one!
However, there are some bosses (old and new) out there that can match your bloodlust and intensity stride for stride. Therefore, in the name of self-preservation, I've compiled a list of the hardest video game bosses (U.S. games only; I'm ethnocentric-sue me) so you can avoid them. Also, seeing as this is my article, I only included bosses from games I've played. Anyways, for your pleasure, I have graded them all using a 25-point scale divided into five categories: Strength, Speed, Cheapness, Environment, and X-Factor. That being said, here they are (in no particular order):
Yiazmat--Final Fantasy XII (PS2)
If you've ever played any installments in the Final Fantasy series, then you know how outrageously difficult some of these bastards can be. Well, in FFXII, Yiazmat elevated the "boss fight" to marathon status. At 50,112,254 HP - compared to your measly 9,999 HP (at most) - this was chess match of skill and luck. This was one of those boss fights where you spent about ten actual minutes fighting him and the other two hours trying to reverse/counteract/cure all of the damaging spells he's put on you and your party. Yay!
This took me an entire week to beat (not kidding) and I didn't even feel satisfied afterward. In fact, the Centurio Hunt Club leader, Montblanc, even admits he thought you'd die in the process. Your faith in my ability is utterly flattering…you fucking little Moogle shit. In fact, here's the entry from the game's Hunt Guide:
GENUS: Ultimate Mark
CLASSIFICATION: ???
One deity among dragons, one Great Wyrm to rule all Wyrms of the world, bu the Creator Himself created. Legend says it is an Anima, guardian to a sacred blade. Though most sacred among its kind, its great power drove it to madness and in the end, it became a threat to its own Creator. His master was killed by Yiazmat, robbing Montblanc of all joy in life, and he would have revenge.
Strength: 5. 50,112,254 HP vs. 9,999 HP at most. Yea, that seems about fair.
Speed: 1. He's about 50 times larger than you so speed isn't even necessary. Imagine fighting a Brachiosaurus with a fork and you're starting to get the picture.
Cheapness: 5. One-shot kills, multiple combos, half-life drain, instant death, and the dreaded White Breath. Once again, fairness all around the board. Fart.
Environment: 2. While the Coliseum at Ridorana Cataract would seem like a viable location for such a hellish battle, it actually hinders your progress because Yiazmat takes up about two-thirds of the available space. And unfortunately for you and your crew, the other one-third is filled with annoying needle traps.
X Factor: 4. The only way to earn the right to fight Yiazmat was to beat his "little brother", the Hell Wyrm, which had 8,930,711 HP. Damnit.
Overall: 17.
M. Bison--Street Fighter II (Arcade)
His sweep alone made me pop a blood vessel in my eye at the arcade. Although surpassed by some other bosses on this list, Bison was the first I can remember that "flipped the switch." By that I mean that if you were beating him and it got close, the computer would just flip the switch and he'd become nearly unbeatable with sweep after sweep after Psycho Crusher until you were left doubled over and smashing your head on the screen in frustration.
In all honesty, I wasted 1/3 of my allowance on this game in between 1991-1992. Coincidentally, I had to pay girls to talk to me during this stretch.
Strength: 3. Limited moves, but it's quality not quantity. Regardless, Bison could put the whoopin' on you if you weren't careful.
Speed: 3.5. For such a clunky character, Bison had some zip in those pseudo-Nazi boots. Between his scissor kick, Psycho Crusher, and cheap sweep, the big boss man could actually scoot if need be.
Cheapness: 5. The original "Jesus Christ this is just unfair" boss.
Environment: 1. Pretty straightforward; nothing out of the ordinary (although I really hated the statues and the giant bell in the background for some reason). Is that weird?
X Factor: 2.5. "Flipping the switch." Enough said.
Overall: 15.
Mike Tyson--Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! (NES)
With the ability to knock your tiny Caucasian ass into Bolivian, Tyson's one of the few "no-brainers" when it comes to making a list of this sort. With a dizzying array of super uppercuts, cinderblock jabs, and vicious hooks, Iron Mike was the ultimate weapon. You basically had to memorize the entire fight beforehand (meaning suffering through the "learning process" several hundred times) until you could predict every movement. He could lay you out with one punch or just stand there and intimidate you into crapping your trademark green (or white depending on the glitch) trunks. Either way, Tyson might just be the most infamous video game boss of all time.
Strength: 5. One punch would drop poor Little Mac to the canvas. Hell, you couldn't even block his punches without eating the mat! I guess I know what it feels like to be Robin Givens…over and over again.
Speed: 5. Lightning-quick jabs and those devastating uppercuts. This game literally made me cry when I was little and slam the controller down because I just plain gave up and had to call Iron Mike my daddy.
Cheapness: 2. While it only took one uppercut to knock my great white hype out, wasn't that the point? I mean, isn't that pretty damn realistic considering, at the time, he was the most feared man on the planet? Given his track record, ya know, I kind of expected him to be able to give me brain damage and internal bleeding.
Environment: 2. Obviously the ring (and more importantly your character movements) is extremely limited, but it's no different than any other fight.
X Factor: 4. He's Mike Tyson. Also, unfortunately, this was before he ate Holyfield's ear AND the face tattoo.
Overall: 18.
Motaro--Mortal Kombat 3 (Arcade)
Now, before you go blasting my decision to include Motaro while leaving Goro off the list, please be patient. While Goro was insanely hard, I tend to believe that was only because I was 10 when I first played it. However, three years later (akin to 46 years in gaming experience terms), I picked up MK3 and found how utterly fucking ridiculous this four-legged, horned asshole was. Not only was he gigantic, but he could leap across 2/3rds of the screen in a single bound, he was immune to any spear grabs, and he had the cheapest sweep outside of Bison. In addition, he could teleport behind you and he had a projectile! As an added bonus, being that he was a centaur, he could horse kick you in the chest across the screen.
Here's a rundown of my average match with Motaro: 1.) Stay crouched blocking. 2.) Block gay fetus egg projectile. 3.) Watch helplessly as he teleported right behind me. 4.) Tail sweep, thrown across screen, leapt at from a mile away, horse kicked, and mercifully, put out of my misery. 5.) DAMNIT!
Strength: 4. Quite powerful, but no more than other MK bosses.
Speed: 2. Sorry Motaro, but teleportation and fairy leaps don't count here.
Cheapness: 4.5. Projectiles + teleportation + lame sweep = serious anger issues.
Environment: 2. Limited space and occasional hazards, but nothing extreme.
X Factor: 1. He's a centaur, but he's technically not the "boss" (that would be Shao Kahn).
Overall: 13.5
Sephiroth--Kingdom Hearts and Kingdom Hearts 2 (PS2)
Despite bursting onto the scene with some serious issues in Final Fantasy VII, the floss-haired Sephiroth really made a vicious name for himself in the landmark Kingdom Hearts series. As a boss in the first KH, Sephiroth rudely fucked my world up. As an optional boss in KH2, Sephiroth returned more venomous than ever. In fact, he's actually the game's toughest boss, so you better have Sora's ass leveled up or have the Ultima Keyblade at your disposal if you want to bask in the glory of victory. It took me about 40 tries to finally beat him and I actually cracked a PS2 dual shock controller over my knee, but God damnit was it worth it. Ed. Note: These scores are an average for both Kingdom Heart games.
Strength: 3.5. While he's not a brute bruiser, Seph has a really, really long sword which makes me physically angry when that shit starts flying around my face.
Speed: 5. One wrong move and he's on you like AIDS on Arthur Ashe (ooo, too soon?). Seriously though, this is one of those fights where you whiff once and you're stuck enduring a 20-hit combo.
Cheapness: 4. Fucking "Sin Harvest", teleportation, flame pillars, projectiles, unrelenting (seemingly unblockable) combos, "flipping the switch", and an eight-foot samurai sword. Hey, at least he doesn't have a cheap sweep.
Environment: 2. Limited, but open arenas to fight in. Regardless, I never felt safe anywhere during these fights. You're constantly sprinting around the arena while looking over your shoulder to keep your distance.
X Factor: 2. He's got one wing? I never understood that.
Overall: 17.5.
Mother Brain--Super Metroid (SNES)
I distinctly remember Mother Brain being somewhat of a pushover in the original Metroid. The hardest part of that battle was simply avoiding the roaming turret guns. In fact, much like Shang Tsung in the original MK, the boss(es) preceding Mother Brain were tougher than she was (as was trying to escape once the bomb was armed). However, Nintendo developers seemed to innately understand this so they ramped up the pulsating bitch to the nth degree with Super Metroid. Similar to its predecessor, Mother Brain gets you thinking this might be a walk in the park…until the glass breaks.
Unfortunately, as you begin to dance your svelte Samus legs around the heaving, orangish brain matter, it becomes readily apparent that this shit isn't over. I vividly remember my jaw dropping as this 40-foot Robosaurus Rex rose out of whatever hellhole spiky-brained mecha-monstrosities come from. What really drove me nuts was that I never knew you actually had die in order to win! You see, after MB sucks down your life down to zero with the tractor beam, I would just give up and turn off the machine in frustration. However, I randomly left it on one time and realized that the whole thing was fucking planned! The Metroid swoops in and depletes MB's health and replenishes Samus' health. A short skirmish ensues, but MB is simply a shell of her former writhing self as yo-TIME BOMB SET! ESCAPE IMMEDIATELY!
Strength: 3.5. While she looks terrifying, this is more of an endure-and-scramble fight.
Speed: 1. She's a 40-foot tall spiked robot carnivore. You're a girl. Speed need not apply.
Cheapness: 4.5. Vomit bombs, sonic rings, and flamethrowers. Yay! Oh, but then there's the best part: the multicolored cyclops mega tractor beam that zaps all of your life away!
Environment: 2. You're fighting this monstrosity in a claustrophobic metallic stud box. It's annoying, but not that big of a factor.
X Factor: 3.5. Although I cannot personally confirm this, I've heard that faster you beat the game, the more revealing Samus' became during the credits. If this can be verified, I might have to bump this up to a 5.
Overall: 14.5.
Ares--God of War (PS2)
It seems quite fitting that one of the hardest bosses in my video gaming experience comes from quite possibly the most innovative and enjoyable video game of all time. Anyways, on to the fight itself (in God Mode obviously). After opening Pandora's Box and gaining the strength and size of the Gods, Kratos can finally look Ares square in the eyes. However, Ares doesn't take lightly to your challenge and unleashes a Mr. Sinister-looking, six-scythe claw cape. First of all, make damn sure you're at least leveled up with the Blades of Chaos (Lv. 5), Poseidon's Rage (Lv. 3), Army of Hades (Lv. 3), the Blade of Artemis (Lv. 3), and Rage of the Gods. Second of all, be prepared to block all of the time. Seriously, it's utterly annoying, but it's going to save your ghostly ass in this fight. As for what you're up against, here's a brief rundown of weapons/attacks during your battle with Ares, Part I: 1.) Six-scythe claw cape with left, right, and all-encompassing attacks. 2.) Fire axe 4-hit juggle combo. 3.) Hammer of Cerberus battering ram/flamethrower 2-hit combo. 4.) Hammer of Cerberus earthquake/lariat combo. 5.) Unblockable meteor rain.
Ok, so it's brutal; but as a saving grace, Ares consistently gives off replenishing health and magic orbs. Make sure you block/counter-attack as much as possible while carefully picking your spots before unleashing Poseidon's Rage and the Army of Hades. If you need to, use Rage of the Gods but beware-you'll need it big time for the upcoming Clone Wars.
Once you vanquish the bearded behemoth, you have to fight off approximately 50 Kratos clones while protecting your whimpering family by, ahem, hugging them. I honestly have no advice for this fight. It's beyond frustrating and I'd be hard pressed not to say it's simply a matter of sheer luck that you (and your family) make it through this alive.
If you've made it this far, congrats; you're about to get royally fucked. How so, you ask? Well, for starters you get stripped of your Blades of Chaos, Blade of Artemis, AND all magic. In return, you receive what amounts to a sword-shaped clothes hanger. This thing is a serious piece of shit and it only has four "moves"-all of which are extremely slow and require getting too damn close in order to inflict any real damage on the mighty Ares. In addition to his attacks from Part I, Ares brings several new tricks to the party in Part II. This time around, you'll encounter: 1.) The same six-scythe claw cape attack-only this time it's equipped with guard breaker, meaning you'll take damage even when blocking. 2.) Summons of Olympus four-part mountain attack. 3.) Ares' Army of Hades. 4.) Flaming sword four-hit combo. 5.) Flaming sword, six-scythe claw cape juggle and slam combo. 6.) Increased speed.
There's still a three-inch scratch on the wall in my fraternity from when I threw my PS2 controller in disgust. In all honesty, the two battles with Ares sandwiched around the Clone War left me so physically drained that I had to take a nap afterwards. Fuck it, I'm not apologizing for it either. This dude was as hard as Sam Jackson is cool.
Strength: 4.5. He's 100 feet tall with a lava beard, a flaming dual-edged axe, and the Hammer of Cerberus. You bring that to a brawl and you get a 4.5 in my book. If not for the health/magic orb vomiting, he might've received a 5.
Speed: 2. Ares might be the incumbent GOW, but he's no Hermes.
Cheapness: 4.5. He's a God. Of. War. This dude knows how to wreck shit and make you absurdly pissed off.
Environment: 3. What the hell are we fighting in here, a kiddie pool?
X Factor: 5. First of all, you have to escape Hades (Hell) itself, which is another profanity-laced potential article on its own. Then you take on the first of two boss battles with Ares with a clone war (while trying to protect your dead family) in between. Splendid!
Overall: 19.
Jaws--Jaws (NES)
I'm by no means a marine biologist, nor do I moonlight as one for the sake of the ladies, but even my feeble mind knew this fight was hopeless. First of all, this game should've been called Contra: Operation Underwater Rape because your little Diver Dan could only take one hit before going belly up. Obviously this becomes somewhat problematic when facing a shark that has 20 life bars while being bigger, stronger, and faster than you could ever hope to be. Now remember that this was 1987-when save points were merely a gleam in Nintendo's collective eye. In fact, there were actually two parts to fighting Jaws (remember this basically unheard of in 1987).
First there was the side-scrolling mode where you simply had to wear down the shark. After a handful of bars were gone, the game would switch to a first person POV on the boat. At this point you were given three depth charges to try to get Jaws to surface (hard enough on its own), at which point you had to ram the shark (kill me now). Good luck with your old school NES controller. I fondly remember vehemently steering away from Jaws' dorsal fin on the Amity map because I got so sick of dying.
Unfortunately, Jaws doesn't rank higher on the list because A.) the game was so repetitive, I often yearned to get eaten to end my misery and B.) the annoying sea creatures that surrounded Jaws were to blame for the majority of my deaths while I frantically tried to outmaneuver the damn shark.
Strength: 5. 20 health bars > 1 health bar. I hate you Jaws.
Speed: 2.5. You don't really need speed when you're an aircraft carrier with teeth.
Cheapness: 4.5. Just plain annoying because of the sheer disparity in life. Hell even if you get the submarine, it can only take one hit! IT'S A SUBMARINE!
Environment: 4. Ugh…fucking jellyfish, crabs, and stingrays. Think of it like tap dancing through a minefield while trying to fight a tank.
X Factor: 4. A two-pronged final battle, twenty life bars, and the most terrifying theme song in movie history? Yea, no thanks.
Overall: 20.
Mr. Burns--The Simpsons (Arcade)
Although I only played this stand-up a handful of times in the local arcade, I can clearly recall plowing through roughly four dollars during my only victory over Ol' Burnsy at Excalibur in Las Vegas…with three other players in Co-Op. Not only was this game pretty damn hard, but it was fucking geared towards having you pump wads and wads of cash in every other minute. This is clearly evident by the five, yes FIVE, different evolutions during the battle. Ready to run them down? Well, here we go:
Stage 1: Monty comes bursting through his office wall all gussied up like a plutonium-sponsored Tony Stark in the Mark I. Although he's not armed with a flamethrower (a la Mr. Stark), he does come equipped with heavy-duty belly bombs and extendable go-go Gadget arms. He uses these either in a double fist punch motion or as a ranged attack.
Stage 2: As seen in the picture, Burns ditches the legs in favor of tank treads. He has also channeled his inner Dhalsim with stretch fists. With higher-powered belly bombs and a set of missiles, you'll need to get your dollar bills ready.
Stage 3: A half-mechanized hydroplane? Check. This time he's added an extendable belly claw to his arsenal of belly bombs. Additionally, Burns pops out a pair of purple shoulder lasers.
Stage 4: You finally start to feel like you're getting somewhere in the fight because his exoskeleton has visible cracks in it. Although the weaponry is the same, his speed has increased dramatically.
Stage 5: In his last evolution, Burns is visibly exposed in his half-mecha hydroplane. He sports sets of three belly bombs, a short and swift belly claw, and improved quickness.
Unfortunately, the sweet nectar of victory is short-lived once you realize you just flushed away twenty bucks. Sheeeiiiit.
Strength: 5. Ironic considering how weak Monty is in real life, but he was no joke in that damn suit.
Speed: 3. You'd think with tank treads and a hydroplane, he'd be zooming around. Well, you'd be wrong. It's more of a moderate mosey (although it ramps up near the end).
Cheapness: 3. While it is indeed cheap, the entire game is premised on the fact that you'll be shoving quarters in like Lohan shoves dicks in her butt.
Environment: 1.5. Burns' power plant office. Nice pictures!
X Factor: 2. Battling an annoying (and mysteriously caped) Smithers as a warm up for Monty. Oh well, I guess the only thing worse would be Smithers getting a makeover…for keeps.
Overall: 14.5.
Now obviously I haven't played every game so I'm sure to get tens of emails telling me that I missed boss so-and-so from game whatever. Remember, these are only my observations from the million or so games I've played in my lifetime. Feel free to write your own version and submit it to the site at myfakeleg@gmail.com. Keep gaming MFLers and give anyone who stands in your way a giant Power Glove middle finger.
