The Greatness Of KFED
You know his name and you’ve hated on him just as much as the next person. Kevin Federline—that gold digging, chain smoking, piggybacker who’s made the word “trashy” into a pseudo-compliment. Just as I was about to fall in line with this ever-growing militia of mockery, I took a step back and begged the question, “Why?” How is it we’ve come to ridicule and crucify this man? Don’t you realize we’re all looking at it the wrong way?! I say instead of campaigning to have him publicly flogged, we erect a statue of him upon this humble soil. And what possible reason would anyone in their right mind have for doing such a thing? Simple, Kevin Federline has done what any of us would; he took advantage of the situation. Why then do we hate him so much? Answer: Because we’re jealous and he’s being a smug, self-righteous asshole about it.
Can you blame him though? Honestly, would you act any different? I know I wouldn’t. Considering Federline’s ghetto rags to riches-but-still-dressing-like-rags Cinderella story, I’m actually surprised he hasn’t pushed the envelope further. I mean his wife had endorsement deals, a clothing line, and a perfume deal. How come Kevin doesn’t get his own wife-beater collection? Then again, he’s stuck with Britney until she inevitably mutates into a heavy-breathing, whiskey chugging seacow. Oh wait, she’s worth millions of dollars and can always get cosmetic surgery so strike that notion. Speaking of Mrs. Federline, is it just a twist of fate that her crash landing back from the stratosphere of pop superstardom coincided with the emergence of “K-Fed”? And don’t worry about that laughing you hear, it’s only Justin Timberlake.
However you slice it though, K-Fed’s found a mealticket for life and who am I to put him down? I’m struggling to make ends meet in an apartment with a bunch of other guys while he’s cruising Hollywood Boulevard in a custom made Ferrari and banging one of the biggest pop stars of the past decade. Seriously, what’s not to idolize about his lifestyle? He dresses like a bum. So the fuck what, who cares? If any of us had the choice I’m sure we’d much rather wear sweats and wifebeaters than a shirt and tie with a pocket protector to work. That’s also implying we have to work for a living, whereas Mr. Federline never has to lift a finger, unless of course it’s to tilt his baseball cap. Face it, the only problem he’ll ever have to worry about is if his wife decides to cancel his credit cards.
For all of our "holier-than-thou" speeches and all the remarks about his stupidity, it seems he’s beaten us to the ultimate prize. He’s in fact outsmarted us all and we’re just too damn proud to admit it because nothing even remotely close has or will ever happen like that in our lives. Well I for one tip my cap to you K-Fed; you can wake up whenever you wish, afford anything you’ve ever dreamed of, and you get to stick it to Britney Spears to your heart’s content. Bravo, sir, bravo.
That being said, he might be tempting fate with this whole career shift. While Britney’s star might be dimming, Federline’s hell bent on keeping his white hot. As many of you know (and for the unfortunate few of us that have heard), he is trying his hand at the rap game. Hmmm, I seem to recall this whole “hip-hop dancer-turned-rapper” thing being done before.
Please, K-Fed, stop while you’re ahead. Enjoy your D-List celebrity lifestyle and keep it at that. You know, I know, and the world knows nothing good can come out of this new venture. I was willing to look the other way when you sported cornrows. I made up excuses for the tilted cap thing. But seriously, look at yourself; as much as people don’t want to play the race card in rap, too bad, shit happens.
We white folk only really have two measuring sticks in the hip hop game and they coincidentally are at opposite extremes. I would group you with the one that did the theme song to Ninja Turtles 2. In fact, I’d put you below that because as much as people won’t admit it, that guy at least had some rap skills. You might not remember this, but he sold 17 million copies of To The Extreme (IMDB.com). It just so happened that he lied about his past and was exposed for being fake (and then tried to kill himself, fittingly). You see, we might be dumb enough to give you a certain celebrity status, but we’re not about to be fooled by another white, cocky, backup dancer who thinks he’s some hardcore tough shit.
I beg of you, pull "Y’all Ain’t Ready" and "PopoZao" from the airwaves. Come on, I heard even Britney said this was a bad decision (and if that kind of stuff is coming from her, you might want to stop). For Christ’s sake Kevin, at least make a more respectable album cover—you’re just making it worse. It’s like giving an arsonist a pack of matches. Put a stop to all this nonsense now and you might salvage whatever semblance of dignity you would’ve frittered away making this CD. If you go through with this you might as well use your wife’s money to pick out a pretty tombstone because I promise you this will bury your career.
You are a hero to all us lazy, unemployed, and unshaven post college grads just searching for a handout. You’ve made the impossible leap and caught the impossible fish so keep reeling it in and hang on for the ride. If not for you, at least do it for us: the legions of young men around the world searching for Ms. Right to come along and pay for everything (while we enjoy Xbox360, unprotected sex, and drinking liquors we can’t even pronounce). So tell the media they can kiss your ass. Throw caution to the wind, as well as your razor. Spank your wife’s ass because there are a million men out there that are wishing they could. I still have faith in you, Kevin Federline, make us proud.
