Good Mourning
by Florida Joe
I have been to two funerals in as many months. It has sucked pretty hard and you don't have to be told that funerals are not the happiest moments of anyone's experience here on earth. They are ceremonies that are marked by the loss of life and anyone who has lost a loved one knows how bad it can sting; especially if the person in question happens to be a terrific friend, family member, and citizen (as those who have recently passed have undoubtedly been). People get together at wakes and funerals to pay their final respects and to properly see off someone to the next life while celebrating the life they led while here on earth. But I think the tradition is all wrong. Why should we spend the time crying and feeling sorry for the people when all most of them would want is for us to get on with it and be happy?
If current trends continue, and one person connected to me passes away each month for the duration of 2007, then its only fair to assume that December's death will be my own, and with only 10 months left to live, I have to start thinking about what my funeral will be like. After brainstorming some good ideas (as well as throwing out some bad ones), I have been able to put together a preliminary rundown of the events my friends and family will be asked to partake in following my purchase of the farm.
WAKE SERVICE: 4 PM-?????
As guests walk into the funeral home, they will be greeted by a 6'5" meathead with very big biceps. He will be the one collecting the $5 cover charge. Don't worry though, there are multiple kegs strategically placed around the building, so no one will have to wait for a drink. Paying guests can also partake in all the marijuana smoking they wish. There will be two guest books: one for people who liked me, and a much thicker version for the people who didn't. Underneath your signature you get a space to write a little blurb about some type of memory you may have had of me, an insult, or whatever you wish. It will be nice for my family to have a memento made up of vulgar and inappropriate comments about their freshly deceased loved one. 4-6pm is cocktail hour, so guests can converse as they begin to get a buzz on for the night. At 6:00, the casket will be rolled in to the tune of The Undertaker's entrance music while the crowd is stunned by a fantastic laser light show and smoke machines. Since I won't exactly be able to make my own grand entrance, the staff of the late Jim Henson will be hired to hook me up to some strings and shit and make it look like I'm dancing to some classic Michael Jackson tracks. A short video will be shown chronicling the highlights of my life, which is precisely why it is a short video. Guests will be encouraged to stay as late as they please to try and get laid in the wake of such a tragedy.
FUNERAL SERVICE: 12 PM
Have you ever had a good friend and then lost touch with them until some unusual circumstance had you going over their house for the first time in years, and the entire time you were there, you just couldn't get over how awkward you felt to be back in the house of the person you snubbed? That's how I feel every time I set foot inside a church. It's like A-Rod sleeping over Derek Jeter's house again- it just doesn't feel the same as it used to. How am I honestly supposed to mourn a loved one when all I can think about is the eyes of the omniscient creator on the universe looking down on me? I refuse to subject those close to me to the same type of situation. Thus, my funeral will feature no church. Should I be lucky enough to surpass my December DEADline and make it into the warmer months of 2008, the celebration will be on some type of beach with a luau theme. Frozen margaritas and pina coladas will be served with barbeque grills blazing all afternoon. You'll get to say a final goodbye to me as I will be hanging around the party all afternoon Weekend at Bernie's style. As soon as all the preparations have been made for the bonfire, everyone will have to gather around it and funnel beers. My pallbearers will then dunk my body into a kiddie pool filled entirely with Bud Light and then hoist me into the bonfire. As everyone cheers, Phil Collins shows up as a surprise guest and plays a show featuring some of the old Genesis hits as well as favorites from his solo career. Those who do not like Phil Collins will be asked to join my carcass in the bonfire.
Note: If it is indeed wintertime when this all goes down, the ceremony procedure is going to have to be tweaked a bit. It will then be held in one of the yacht clubs on the coast and people will play Florida Joe-themed games like "Pin the Charges on the Asshole" where you have to wear a blindfold, spin around, and hold a mock trial with my corpse, suing me for all the things you never got a chance to in real life. Girls, remember that sexual harassment mess we got into? Well, this will be your chance to make amends!!! Phil Collins will still play, and my body will have to be burned somehow, but I guess I won't deprive my friends the fun of coming up with ideas on how to do it. I think these two days will really give everyone a sense of peace and understanding of what my life was all about.
Losing people to death is without question difficult to handle, sometimes beyond comprehension, but I think the lesson I always walk away with is to focus on living my own life or else it'll be gone and the world will have nothing to show for the resources it had to put into keeping me alive for this long. When that fateful day comes, I want everyone around me to start to do just that. Live life to its fullest and enjoy yourself. The party funeral is a great way to kick off the first day of the rest of your life. After all, you're going to want to enjoy yourself before we're reunited in Hell.
