Girls Poop
If a girl shits in an empty bathroom, and no one’s around to smell it, does it really exist?
The only thing girls deny more than masturbating is the fact that they are physically able to poop and do so on a regular basis. I’m not really sure why or how this poop denial started, but I have reason to believe that through six degrees, it relates back to Kevin Bacon somehow.
Girls even try to act like they don’t poop while they are pooping. If I had a beer for every time I went in the ladies room, caught a whiff of a giant dookie, and saw a pair of legs awkwardly shaking and stuck together at the knees…well, I’d be drunk. Very drunk. I feel like God sends me to these women so I can teach them a lesson. Instead of getting out as quickly as possible and letting them continue with their business, I take my sweet time. I wash my hands twenty times, do my hair in a complicated and stylish up-do and create origami out of paper towels. These women need to learn that if they’re going to deny their awesome ability to poop, they’re going to have to sweat it out for a while. Just once, ONCE, I would like to walk into the ladies room and hear the hilarious sound of some woman shitting her brains out, loving every second of it.
I wasn’t always so okay with shitting in public; but once I got to college, I realized it was let people hear you shit, or let it build up in your body until you drown in it and explode. I don’t know if that really happens, but it seems about right. Anyway, a few months into my freshman year of college, my friend Taters and I went into the communal bathroom and noticed it reeked of fucking rhino taint and Down syndrome cock. Of course, we quickly discovered the stall with the set of trembling legs inside. By then we had already loudly yelled about the smell, so there was no way in hell that girl was coming out or letting any more shit fall from her ass while we were still in there. We waited and waited by the sinks, hoping she’d finally give in and show her face. About 20 minutes into waiting, we knew this girl meant business. We knew drastic times called for drastic measures.
I mouthed "Stay here. I'll be right back" to Shannon and ran down the hall to get supplies for my big plan. I got back to the bathroom in record time while the mystery shitter was still holding down her doo-doo filled fort...and that’s when I turned the video camera on.
No, no no. I did not bust in on her. I took the high road – I wrapped a towel around the camera and only let a tiny part of it poke out. Then, I put it on the sink and set up all sorts of toiletries around it. It just looked like a random girl had innocently forgotten her things in the bathroom – definitely not a suspicious trap to catch poopers.
We acted out a spectacular conversation in which we decided it was now time to leave the bathroom, and then disappeared to my room. The next half hour was spent laughing hysterically, wondering who the mystery shitter could be and what we should do to them when we found out.
Twenty minutes later, we went back to the bathroom, collected the camera and went back to my room to watch the footage. In a disappointing turn of events, the mystery shitter turned out to be our good friend from across the hall. There were so many heinous girls on our floor and of course it just had to be one that we liked. I also had to reconsider my friendship with this girl because one of my main requirements in female friends is that they must readily admit and accept the fact that they poop.
Luckily, we ended up getting more than we hoped for on the video. After our friend left the bathroom, this CRAZY girl we called A.P.O.S. (Annoying Piece Of Shit) came in and starting brushing her teeth. She started off slowly by poking her fat and swinging her leg around really awkwardly. However, she then put her toothbrush down and started talking to her reflection in the mirror. The conversation went a little something like this:
APOS: What’s wrong with my face? It’s swollen!
She pokes at her face.
APOS: (Flailing her arms wildly while simultaneously shrugging) I don’t care!
At this point, another girl came in the bathroom. If I had been there, I would have stabbed her for ruining my video.
A few minutes after those girls finished up in the bathroom, the door swung open and it was two RA’s and a few whorish girls holding a bunch of beers. The RA stood there while the Slut Patrol had to dump all their precious beer down the drains. I knew these girls would later go out and trade head for beer, but at that moment in time, I was pleased with their sadness.
Moral of the story? Just fucking poop. Or I will video tape you.
