Girls Love The Asshole
I spent four years in college (well five if you want to get technical about it) and majored in Communication. Now that you’ve stopped laughing, I’m here to tell you the only thing I learned: Women are idiots. That well-spoken, wealthy law professor you have? Yup, underneath it all, she’s still an idiot. The captain of the women’s softball team? Idiot, but she can break you in half. The super hot sorority girls across the street? Please, idiots armed with slut magic…but idiots nonetheless.
But why you ask? Because women cannot make up their minds and are the biggest hypocrites on the planet. Go to any place where females congregate—bars, dorms, my genitals, websites (myspace, facebook, etc.) and ask them what they’re looking for in a guy. Look at the shit they put on their Internet profiles or their homepages. It’s the same lying sack of estrogen-infused stink that made The Notebook a hit movie. This is the kind of crap I’m talking about:
It’s this kind of sugarcoated garbage that makes me envious of people with Downs Syndrome. At least they’re happily unaware of their surroundings and enjoy bagging my groceries. They have no clue about the general ineptitude of the female species. Reread that entire list and tell me a gay man does not fit that bill. Hell, let’s even accept that some male somewhere exhibits 68% of these qualities. I’ll bet my manhood this "man" is either the lonely sucker at the end of the bar destined to go back to his single apartment and spank it while sobbing OR he’s taken the next step and become the lifeless lapdog to an overbearing, Hitler-esque girlfriend. The point is ladies, this "perfect guy" you seek is fictional. And even if he were real you’d still never touch him let alone marry the guy.
And why is that? Because girls love the asshole. Seriously, every girl loves the guy who is a complete dick. The meaner this jackass is, the more you can’t wait to shove his balls in your mouth. Try it sometime...it’s like giving a retard a shiny object…works every time. For example, last night I rolled up to the bar with three girls (one married, two single) and was an absolute Dickhead McCockface. Not only did I ensure I wasn’t driving (that way I could get tanked) but I never paid for a drink the entire night. At one point one of the girls put her coat over my shoulder and told me the least I could do was go hang it up. Wrong. The least I could do would be nothing and I did just that. She trudged off in disappointment with her jacket only to return with another drink for me. See? Lesson learned, free of charge.
The best mainstream examples of this phenomenon are American Pie and Waiting. Who were the most magnetic characters in both of these films? That’s right, "the asshole" (Sean William Scott, Ryan Reynolds respectively). Furthermore, who were the two biggest wet blanket fags? You guessed it, "the caring, sentimental guy" (Jason Biggs, Robert Benedict respectively). Given these are both extreme circumstances but next time you’re at a house party or a bar take a good look around. The asshole will be the life of the party with women near him. Meanwhile, that 68% limpcock I described earlier will be the one in the corner…on his cellphone…leaving the 5th voicemail of the night on his girlfriend’s answering machine. Hey, maybe she’ll call you back after the asshole makes a map of Hawaii on her face. Checkmate.
As an added bonus I designed my own version of the picture below. Enjoy.
