The Ghetto Guide
Now, I’ve never claimed to be from the hood. My father works as a civilian for a huge Naval corporation and we’ve always enjoyed living the middle-class life. That being said, I’m a 24-year-old white kid who has stayed in many a hood during my college and post-college days away from home. To use a Monopoly analogy, I went from pimpin’ on Marvin Gardens to slummin’ it on Baltic Ave. What’s that, you don’t believe me? You say there’s no way a middle-class Caucasian knows anything about the ghetto? Well ok, when I lived in South Miami the kids across the street would routinely jump our fence and fish through our dumpsters. In fact, one time I caught them pulling pills out of a medicine bottle and separating them into Ziploc bags. Still not a believer? The two families on the corner couldn’t afford a basketball hoop so they played with two shopping carts in the street. Hell, I knew what time it was when the ice cream man came around blaring his broken jingle music. Oh but it’s not just relegated to Miami. Here in New Britain, CT a guy with a motorized wheelchair goes up and down the streets with a milk crate on his lap looking for handouts. And yes, if you were wondering, I have heard gunshots ring out on two separate occasions.
But my point here isn’t to brag about the "tough" life I've lived because let’s face it, I stand out in the hood like Hitler at a Bar Mitzvah. However, I am here today to give the uneducated masses out there a few tips on how to recognize a ghetto because I’ve been around quite a few. As far as my “ghetto credentials” are concerned, I’ve lived in or around Los Angeles, California, Miami, Florida, and New Britain, Connecticut. I promise you they are not places you want to be meandering around lost after the sun goes down. Therefore, in keeping with the triplet theme, here are the top 3 signs you live in the hood:
1. Barbershops outnumber every establishment roughly 3 to 1.
Although this might seem like a stereotype or exaggeration given that Hollywood made two movies and apparently has had a TV series about the subject that’s been out since ’05; but it’s a sure sign you’ve entered a ghetto when you see the whites of barber shop poles as opposed to white picket fences. Now don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean there aren’t white people around at all; it’s just that the ones that do live there look like this.
Anyways, the point is barbershops are everywhere in the hood because even though the people that live there might not have money for bread, braces, or soap, they want to make damn sure their hair looks tight as hell. Also, over the years of having to live in various hoods I’ve come to realize that, just as the movies imply, barbershops are as much about the camaraderie and gossip as they are the cornrows and fades. The barbers spend all day cracking on each other as well as the customers and you sort of have to plan your day around getting a haircut because with all the distractions and conversations, you’ll definitely be sitting for quite some time. According to the New Britain, CT website, the town is only 13.2 square miles. Now go to www.whitepages.com, type in barbershops and the town’s name and voila: 23 barbershops ranging from Blaze Barbershop to Razor Sharp Cuts. Since I can’t do simple math (which might explain why I’m in the hood to begin with) I asked my friend Steggs to find me the answer because 1. She’s a numbers prodigy and 2. I’m lazy and it takes too much time to use the calculator on my computer. Regardless, she came up with 23 shops / 13.2 sq. mi. = 1.75 barbershops per square mile. One- and three-quarters every square fucking mile. The population here is only 70,000 people for God’s sake.
2. Several stores end in "Depot" but don’t start with "Home".
Ok, before I go any further I have to put an asterisk beside Rule #1. This is because barbershops outnumber every store except liquor stores 3 to 1. How does this tie into Rule #2? Simple, here in New Britain we have a chain of Liquor Depot stores that are all over the place. You see, here in the hood, nobody bothers to fix shit so a Home Depot or any other fix-it store is completely unnecessary. However, because of this lack of motivation, us ghettoians need a way to quell our depression, anger, and boredom. This makes for the perfect business scenario from a liquor store point of view. Think about it: If you ran a business that dealt with alcohol and were looking to profit off of misbegotten and forlorn individuals that have been raped by society, wouldn’t you open up a shop in the hood? You’d become their lifeblood, their sustenance, their savior…given you’d be flushing your morals down the toilet and propagating the vicious cycle of alcoholism but who cares? You’d be a rich bitch and could just move on out of the hood whenever you felt like it.
3. Old men are riding around on bicycles.
This just freaks me out. It’s a staple of every hood I’ve ever driven through or lived in and I don’t understand why. Well, let me rephrase that. I know they ride bicycles because they can’t afford bus fare or a car, but what I don’t understand is why they always seem to insist on riding little kids bikes or ones from the 1950’s. Let’s face facts; you know you’re in the hood when guys that are 30+ are cruising around on Pee Wee type bikes. The best part about this scenario is every time you look at them they stare at you like they were driving by in an Abrams tank. Unfortunately, they just look like Brand from the Goonies. Seriously, you’re on a bike. No matter what I’m driving, it’s still better than what you’ve got.
Obviously people are going to judge you because you’re at an age where riding a bike for transportation as opposed to recreation is well, ghetto. But for God’s sake at least ride one that is appropriate for your age bracket unlike your income bracket. Now maybe that Strawberry Shortcake bike was all that you could afford and that’s understandable (hey, it even has a basket on it to carry your Vodka). The only problem is that the people I’m addressing this article to have never been to a hood and have only heard about them on Coolio CDs. Therefore, they’re going to think you stole that bike from some unfortunate little girl. It’s a real shame that these stereotypes exist but, well, you live in the ghetto and you’re riding a little kid’s bicycle, what the fuck did you think people were going to say?
So there you have it, my not-so-humble ghetto guide locator. Obviously there are other telltale signs of ghettodum ranging from the neighborhood shopping cart to the duct tapped car window fiasco but the three I’ve listed are the most consistent signs I’ve noticed. Now if you live in what might be termed a hood and would like to share your story, email us at submissions@myfakeleg.com.
