Fast Food
Im so hungry right now – but I can’t eat. I’m sitting at work, I forgot my dinner and, as the reigning Ms. Cheap-As-Hell USA, I refuse to spend my money on something that I will eventually shit out. This lack of food got me thinking even more about food, and now I want some crazy, ridiculous fast food meal. But from where?...Why not EVERYWHERE? Every fast food joint has their own forte – imagine piecing together one giant fast food meal of awesomeness. After much deliberation, this is my menu for pure fatty happiness...
BURGER: IN N' OUT - This burger is amazing – fresh lettuce and tomato, beef patties that are never frozen, freshly baked buns. And, although the menu doesn’t say so, you can add as many hamburger patties as you want. If you’re hungrier than God, just walk in and ask for a 32 x 32 (32 hamburgers and 32 pieces of cheese) or however many you want. They’ll make it. HOORAY OBESITY!!
FRIES: BURGER KING - Holy shit. I just thought about Burger King’s fries and I had an orgasm. Their crispy, greasy fries are heaven. They also taste even better when you dip them in the sweet and sour sauce. If you try to tell me otherwise, I will rape you with my 32x32 burger.
CHICKEN SANDWICH: JACK IN THE BOX - A few months ago I would have gone with Burger King again, but when my boyfriend and I were in California, he introduced me to the greatness that is the Spicy Chicken Sandwich. Why have a normal chicken sandwich when you can have a SPICY one? Yes, exactly. You cannot dispute. Also, how can you not go to an establishment that has a fake CEO named Mr. Box? I wonder if the employees secretly refer to him as Mr.Vagina. Or Mr. Pussy. Or Mr. Roastbeef Curtains. I’m not a 12 year old boy, I swear.
FROZEN TREAT: WENDY'S/IN N' OUT - Okay, In N’ Out makes its milkshakes with real ice cream and they taste phenomenal – but dude, EVERYONE loves a nice Frosty. Is it ice cream? A milkshake? Why is my life so much better when I dip my fries in it? No friggin’ clue, but it’s damn good. Therefore, I say drink the milkshake with the meal and then have the Frosty as dessert. You may think that is a frozen treat overload, but please remember I work for Ben & Jerry’s and I need a constant flow of ice cream in my blood stream at all times.
I was going to add a category for Best Happy Meal because I felt bad for McDonalds, but then I realized it’s not my fault that they’re not good. Yes, I’ll eat at Mickey D’s if I have to, but when faced with other fast food choices, I’ll leave it. They’re trying too hard to provide healthy choices now and I just can’t support that…even though the Big Mac IS super good. Fast food is about clogged arteries and death – not free pedometers and yogurt fruit parfaits.
