For 25 years and counting he’s been the world’s most popular plumber--a walking, talking, plunger-toting stereotype that’s grown into an international icon. But just like every celebrity, Mario has had his share of makeovers. To be fair, the poor paisan has had to rely on technology, although I guess the same can be said about those celebrities as well. So let’s put on our pixilated shoes and take a stroll down 8-bit memory lane as we take a documented look at the Evolution of Mario.
DONKEY KONG (Arcade)
While my birth was still an entire year away, Mario (originally called Jumpman) made his debut in the revolutionary Donkey Kong series. He was born from the brain of video game deity Shigeru Miyamoto who went on to create Mario Bros., Zelda, fire, and the wheel. Anyways, as you can see, MJ fashionably sports some red pajamas. It appears that he’s also got a pair of frostbitten clubbed feet which apparently have no digits. This creates numerous problems in logic as well as physics. First of all, his hips are at a 90o angle to his torso. Well, I’m assuming they’re at a right angle but since he hasn’t got a waistline, maybe he’s just a carnival act with a leg jutting out from his crotch. Either way this has to be the reason behind his freakish jumping ability. I mean look at that gut. It’s so large it’s got it’s own bold outline. I’m not even sure how he stands up, let alone run or jump. But maybe that’s where that kickstand-leg comes in. Luckily MJ has that square goiter on his head to further act as a counterbalance too. For my money though, I enjoy the fact that there’s no discernible difference between his lone nostril and his mustache. Speaking of facial hair, take a look at those sideburns. Those things are an example of mathematical perfection. As an added bonus, it even looks like he’s shaved a style line in there. It’s a good thing too since it draws our attention away from his bleached skin and that lobotomy he’s got going on. Some folks might call it a hat, but I’m not completely sold.
MARIO BROS. (Atari 2600)
Now that he's officially known as Mario, it’s nice to see our hero’s found some pants. I like the color coordination with the hat as well, great touch. He’s also managed to set foot outside and get a tan so no more worrying about rickets. However, despite the two years of development, Atari’s Mario still has his shortcomings. Take those hands for example. Better yet, give them back. What’s with that chicken wing of a right arm? Unless it’s a cannon a la Mega Man, that shit needs fixing. Wait, Mega Man hasn’t even been invented yet. Fuck. I suppose if he were smarter, Mario would realize he could use the one growing out of his stomach. What the fuck is that thing? Where are this man’s hands? While the designers might not have the answer for that question, it’s great to see they answered some of the ones about his face. I’ll be the first to admit his sideburns remain untouched and no way is that a bad thing, but for God’s sake why does he look like he’s got a beak? Was he an extra in the Dark Crystal? What’s up with the tiny left foot? It’s the 80’s, birth defects are totally normal, just come out and say it already Mario. Ok so they’re not totally mainstream but whatever, at least it takes the attention off his eye(s)(?) I haven’t seen something blur the line that much since Mario Lopez on Pacific Blue. Sorry Slater, you’re a faggot. Moving on.
SUPER MARIO BROS. (NES)
Ok, now we’ve reached the first installment of Mario that should look familiar. While the 1985 NES version gave us the first ever prominent and recognizable mustache, it was also the first to capture Mario’s overalls and hat look that would follow him from game to game, platform to platform for the rest of his life. That being said, I find it strange that this is the game that realistically created the franchise and yet no one seems to recall that his original colors were dookie brown and fireman red. Aside from apparel, Mario is a definite visual upgrade from his ghetto days slumming on Atari. As you can see, there’s not a single straight edge on the character (even his sideburns are rounded) giving him that identifiably plump/scoliosis look. Ever the ones to push the 8-bit envelope, NES still jewed Mario out of a few key improvements--mainly opposable thumbs or even fingers for that matter. I guess in ’85 flesh mitts were right up there with snap bracelets but I fail to see how one could pick up items or throw fireballs with any accuracy. Another key development might be pupils (or more specifically “sclera“). For all I know that’s a wayward lock of hair or an empty socket. Just a reminder, if you still don’t recognize this picture you should be forced to clean portable toilets with your face.
SUPER MARIO BROS. 2 (NES)
So three years have passed, what’ve you got for me Mario? Finally some damn sclera. Actually, make that scleri since you’re no longer a wanton Cyclops. That’s what I’m talking about. Now if we could only grab some shades from that smug, bomb-tossing Mouser bastard. Hold up, do I detect the initial makings of some mustache flair? Speaking of debuts…ladies and gentlemen, the infamous blue overalls and red shirt/cap combo! Corporate America here we come. Wait a minute, what in Johnny Tremain is up with that hand? And where the hell are your legs? Did we catch you in mid waddle or did you go all Gizmoduck on us? And before I get a thousand emails on the subject, Ducktales officially aired in September of ’87 whereas SMB2 was released in October of ‘88 (surprisingly, yes I’ve gotten laid). Ok I need to stop staring at this picture; it’s killing my eyes and Mario looks like he should probably sit the next few plays out. Whammy.
SUPER MARIO BROS. 3 (NES)
Ok, what asshole decided to change everything that had worked in the previous installment? Transcendent color scheme? Gone. Nose? Apparently non-existent. Eye sockets? Empty. From today’s vantage point, one might make the claim that Mario went “retro”. However, in 1990, pop culture tried to get as far away from the 80’s as possible. In fact it would be an entire decade before “retro” would come back into style again, so that assumption’s about as weak as a right cross from Bob Dole. Speaking of weak, what’s with the one strap overalls? I guess Mario was trying to be the first Fly Guy. That might be difficult though seeing as his head takes up roughly 2/3rds of his body. Then again, this is the same guy who can put on a raccoon costume and fly so what the fuck do I know? Well, glad I asked. I know the checkerboard look doesn’t suit Mario. I know Mario was the first person to use the flute as an accessory. I also know you haven’t been listening to me about your fucking flesh palms. Fortunately the sheer magnitude and awesomeness of this game served as a worthy distraction from this sub-par attire. As an interesting side story: I bought this game for my Dad for his birthday when I was 8. He was turning 48. Guess who made out like a bandit? Anyways, back to the subject. I mean you’re trying to save a Princess and be the hero of the Mushroom Kingdom here. Peach doesn’t want to make out with a digitless, anvil-headed janitor with no eyeballs. Trust me, I’ve tried. Then Toad headbutted me in the balls. Fuck that guy.
SUPER MARIO WORLD (SNES)
A new system and a return to glory for our pipefitting protagonist. Excuse me if I’m a bit overwhelmed but man I could totally steal Jeff Daniel’s line from Dumb & Dumber when Jim Carey shows up with the motorbike after trading in the Shaggin’ Wagon. I mean look at him. We’ve got sclera. We’ve got a mouth. We’ve got the colors back. Hell we even have soles on the bottoms of the shoes. For fucks sake he even threw a pair of gloves on--WITH FINGERS! That’s gold right there. White gloves equal classy. I think my favorite addition to the Mario look are the authentic overalls though. Goodbye flat monochromatic blue and say hello to faded denim. They look quite comfy too and for the amount of running, jumping, and swimming this little guy has to endure, it’s quite the convenience. From my extensive video game experience and coupled with my Alzheimer-esque memory, this was one of the first 2-D cartoon cartridges with a genuine 3-D feel. You know what that means? Yup, pixilated color transitioning. Or as I like to call it: ass shading. It’s that little slice of realism that makes my day. This edition also marks the first time we see (albeit blurry) the soon-to-be-trademarked “M” cap. The only thing I can even try to gripe about is the checkerboard feel but the game was released in ‘91 and I’ll be damned if it wasn’t better looking than most everything else at the time. Finally, even though I know it’s just this specific pose, he looks like he’s taking a shit...which is obviously hilarious. Coincidentally, I have the mindset of a third grader.
SUPER MARIO RPG: LEGENDS OF THE SEVEN STARS (SNES)
I have no fucking clue what this game is and I definitely don’t remember it. I never played it and I have nothing funny to say about it. Apparently it was the first Mario RPG and used prerendered graphics to appear 3D. I stole that from Wikipedia. Next.
SUPER MARIO 64 (N64)
While Mario might’ve traded in the realistic overalls from his SNES days, that doesn’t mean he’s lost his touch. If anything, by switching to the kid friendly cartoonish look, Mario has embraced his target audience and given the middle finger to the man. After an initial attempt at a pseudo-3D cartridge (see above), with the new system, Mario needed to expand his stature. And by switching from a side scrolling adventure to a true 3D interactive platform, our hero did just that. Not only do we have sclera, but we’ve got an iris and pupil for each eye. As an added touch, he even has the white reflection on his pupils. Nice. Well if that’s nice, then Mario’s upper lip decoration is simply splendid. It’s official, that’s grade A mustache flair. Look at those repeating half circles. I guess the Mushroom Kingdom offers some futuristic razors because I can’t even draw a mustache that slick. Damn son. Speaking of facial hair, there’s those rounded sideburns again. But wait, what the hell…is Mario a ginger? No. Nooo. I think I need a minute here. How the fuck do you have red hair and a black mustache? I knew it was too good to be true. How did I miss this during the 479, 281 hours I played this game? You broke my heart Mario.
PAPER MARIO (N64)
So here’s the successor to SM RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars. Like it’s predecessor, I woefully admit I never played this game either. Give me a fucking break I was 18. Had there been a Mario College: Legend of the Keg and Funnel I would’ve been all over it. Ok, I‘m getting off topic, back to Paper Mario. While it might’ve been an accident or coincidence in 1990, this edition ten years later is without a doubt “retro”. Instead of pushing the envelope like Super Mario 64, the Nintendo heads opted to do just the opposite and revert back to the SMB roots with the 2D side scroller (albeit an RPG). However, even though there’s an old feel to this Mario, he actually has a lot of new additions. For example, PM is the first to have a working ear instead of a fleshy looking lump. It’s a good thing too since I was beginning to worry he had the cauliflower ear. Another small but noticeable detail is the piping on Mario’s white gloves. Sadly the sclera is gone and I guess I’m going to have to deal with the two tone hair/mustache thing but I have to admit I like the "chibi" look. The black outline is pretty cool too. I want a black outline. And a theme song. And crazy jumping abilities. And no need for employment. Damnit Mario, you have all the fun.
SUPER MARIO SUNSHINE (Gamecube)
Ok Mario this is your 5th different system in over two decades, let’s see how far you’ve evolved. While there obviously hasn’t been an extreme overhaul in design like in years past, much like Paper Mario, it’s all about the details. Check out the shine on the soles of the boots. Those are some genuine Mushroom Kingdom shit kickers. I don’t know how many blocks he had to break to afford them but it looks to be one hell of an investment. You can tell they mean business by the amount of shading they’ve got. Speaking of which, look at the overall shading job. Even the yellow fasteners have reached that elusive 3rd dimension. We even get the pleasure of individual finger shading to complement the classy white gloves. These are just minor upgrades compared to the bi three additions to SMS. First and foremost our hero grew a pair of badass looking eyebrows. Simply put, they’re two black crescents of death just waiting to furrow you into oblivion. The second improvement is Mario’s inner ear. Taking the PM model one step further, our new Mario has what looks to be a fully functional helix, scapha, anti-helix, and concha. No wonder he’s so alert and aware of his surroundings on the Isle Delfino. The final piece of the SMS evolutionary puzzle comes in the form of the red v-neck t-shirt. No more sleeves baby, it’s time to show off those Italian bracciis.
SUPER SMASH BROS. BRAWL (Wii)
First of all I have to apologize for this shitty cutout picture. I had to use my college degree and MS Paint skills to pry SSBB Mario away from his background. I also have to apologize for using a game that isn’t Mario-specific. While there are rumors of a Super Mario Galaxy for the Wii, there are no decent pictures of it so I had to hijack one from SSB Brawl. Anyways, check out those fucking overalls. Not only are there distress lines and end folds but the video gods even gave us digital rivets. Sweet mother of Mushroomland. See, it’s those little things that make Mario’s transition to the Wii platform so exciting. For example, look at the wrinkles in the elbows and knees. Those kind of stylistic touches add depth while also implying fluid movement and realism. But enough of that educated talk. I’m a simple man and like Gilbert Grape, shiny things easily hold my attention; point in case--those golden fasteners. Bask in the warmth of that golden digital reflection. Now take a wild guess why those fasteners are so shiny. If you guessed Mexicans well you’re only half right. The answer I was looking for was “those white gloves” and what a mighty fine pair they are. Look at those individual knuckles and joint shading. With that kind of attitude and fashion detail, no wonder Mario’s so determined to save us all and stomp Bowser’s nuts into the soil. You’re our hero Mario. Keep on truckin’.
