Crushin' on Some Snizz
Now that I’m in a serious relationship with a real, living, breathing man, I find myself checking dudes out less and less – and women more and more. To quote Janice Ian from Mean Girls, "I’ve got a big ol’ LESBIAN CRUSH!" Well, more like (at least) five. It’s not like I want to bang these chicks. It’s totally different. They all just really seem to have their shit together and are super hot to boot. I also might consider making out with them a little, but that’s another story for another day. Regardless, here’s the list of my favorite
JESSICA BIEL: She snagged Justin Timberlake. That automatically qualifies her as probably the hottest girl on earth right now. She also has a really nice smile and a cool dog. Oh, and she played a character that has the same name as ME! I secretly pray that makes me hot by a very distant association. Her butt isn’t so bad either.
RACHEL MCADAMS: She dyed her hair pink once and I thought it was the coolest thing ever. She also has the best lips. Once, I tried to find the color lipstick she was wearing in Wedding Crashers. I found it, but for some reason it looked a lot better on her. Maybe it’s because her lips were injected with clouds from Heaven.
MANDY MOORE: I used to hate her because she was clearly the worst during the young, blonde pop tart craze of the late 90s. However, since then, she has really branched out and become awesome. Her sense of style is fabulous and she just looks so cool to hang out with. Wow, that sounded REALLY gay.
HAYDEN PANETIERRE: Hayden is my soul mate – she just doesn’t know it yet. I love everything about this girl. She is so small and compact and I could probably brush her hair for hours. She is my new, innocent, addiction-free replacement for LiLo. Plus, she’s a superstar on the best show TV has to offer right now.
BRITNEY SPEARS: Hmm, let’s play "One of these things is not like the others," shall we? I know, I know. She’s a fucking mess. But ya know what? She’s MY fucking mess and I love her. Britney Spears was my first ever girl crush and although she’s managed to secure “train wreck” status, I know where my loyalties lie. Some would say I am in an abusive relationship, but I don’t give a shit. IT’S BRITNEY, BITCH!
Ok, enough talking. I’m off to YouPorn to check out some lame knockoffs and work my magic…on myself. Luckily, if I don’t wear my glasses and squint hard enough, I might just find a suitable imposter for any one of my famous female fuck pals.
