Create-A-Catfight
It's a scientific fact that deep down all women hate each other. Even best friends quietly compete with each other and talk shit about one another behind their backs. That’s why few things in life manage to grab your attention like a good catfight. Maybe, like Seinfeld said, we secretly hope they’ll start making out at some point. Maybe it’s the way girls throw the unspoken "rules of engagement" out the window; hair pulling, biting, clawing, slapping, and kicking below the belt are not only accepted—they’re seemingly encouraged. Either way this visceral, primeval behavior captivates audiences far and wide. However, these confrontations are like spotting Bigfoot (and I’m not talking about that fat chick you steer clear of). That is why I’ve come up with a list of 6 topics that will undoubtedly get women to fight each other. In reverse order, they are:
*These are all things one would say to a girl as an intermediary in order for her to fight another girl in the vicinity.
6. She borrowed clothes without asking and/or returned them stretched out.
Everyone knows girls are extremely territorial/possessive. Their things are their things and don’t think they won’t notice if a single article of clothing is missing. Their internal radar goes haywire and they freak. This is even more true if the object in question comes back fucked up. Whisper it in her ear in an incredulous manner and start backpedaling. Hell hath no fury like a woman who gets damaged goods returned to her.
5. You know your ex-boyfriend? Yea, she fucked him.
I know it makes no sense but then again neither do women. Trust me, if it has to do with fucking it will usually lead to fighting. This reverts directly back to #6 and how possessive females can be. You must deliver the line nonchalantly; go so far as to take a drink between the question and answer just for effect. Even though her and her man are not together she will not allow a single female around him. The only analogy I can think of is when you move out of a house and then go back to your old neighborhood months later just to see the new people there. For no reason you intrinsically hate these people because you still think of it as your house. The way you feel about your old house is how she feels about her ex-boyfriend.
4. Yea, I heard she fucked "_______" on your bed last night.
The key to this isn’t who she fucked, but where the fucking took place. That’s why you have to enunciate the tail end of the sentence in order to achieve the desired effect. Women absolutely hate having their space violated. This is especially true if the girl in question had her own room/bed available and willingly chose not to use it. Tell her the guy autographed her pillow and watch the fireworks start. Bonus points if you tell her the girl hid the wet spot by making the bed afterwards.
3. She said you’ve got fucked up hair/makeup.
Now we’re moving into the truly devious section of the program. This must be said with a mild look of horror/surprise so as to get the girl to believe you are on her side and don’t believe she actually looks horrible (when in reality who gives a fuck, you just want to see some titties floppin’ around). Girls are sticklers for looks—especially those of the same sex. Face it, it’s a competition and any girl that won’t admit to it has already lost. I was in a fraternity and I saw first hand the lines in the bathroom(s) for the mirrors. Women are constantly trying to one up each other...think of it as the female equivalent to why guys flex to ourselves and to others. Basically, she spends as much time worrying about her looks as you or I do worrying about our fantasy football squad. Yep, it’s that big of a deal.
2. Oh you didn’t know? She’s been hanging out with "_______" a lot. I think they’re best friends now.
Yea I know it sounds like something straight out of second grade recess but still, this one cuts deep. Women are creatures of habit; thus they’re quick to point the finger and call out “traitor” to any prolonged activity with some new third party person. In order to make this one work you might want to do a little background digging. Find a girl she absolutely loathes and insert her name in the equation. Make sure to be emphatic about it too. After that just kick your feet up and grab a few beers because you’re about to see some UFC shit go down.
1. She’s been telling everyone you’ve gained x amount of weight (in pounds).
The absolute killer—this works every time. To be clear, this is the equivalent of a girl yelling in front of a crowd that you’ve got a small dick and that you rode her about as well as Christopher Reeves does horses. The key here is to include the word "everyone". While a woman can handle her weight being questioned in the confidentiality of a one-on-one situation, once a group is involved, all bets are off. I wouldn’t even recommend using this one unless you’re great at doing those duck n’ roll maneuvers from action films. Be especially careful if alcohol is involved because blood will be shed. Who knows, in the midst of all the carnage maybe a boob or two will pop out—and honestly, who doesn’t like a side dish of nudity with their ultraviolence?
