Click Clack:
I Think I Hear Some Steroids
In these trying times when every sports-related accomplishment is seemingly surrounded with suspicion of steroids, it comes as no surprise that several big wig marketing firms have tried to cash in on the NFL's most notorious superhuman juice freaks. Naturally, no sport epitomizes this image quite like football and it sure looks as if the Under Armour brand name is responsible for this hyper-masculine shift.
While I assume UA founder Kevin Plank and his ad campaign cohorts never intended to propagate the stereotype, their face-shielded, spandex cutoff-wearing uber-safety basically looks like he's sweating HGH. To top it off, he's an angry black guy...double whammy on the stereotype front. High five Kev!
Once the UA executives realized the potential in selling their product to collegiate and pro players, they set out to corner the market on the most obvious and exploited niche: children. With a commercial that features a 'roided-up dwarf rhythmically clapping and demanding the other kiddies "protect this house", it's no wonder children don't know what to believe when it comes to sports and ethics...ya know, because nothing promotes respect and team sportsmanship like a brash, in-your-face manchild mugging for the camera. I mean holy shit, LOOK at this "kid"!
First of all, where the hell is the bus driver in all of this? I remember getting reamed out by the yellow yeoman in grade school just for having my leg and backpack partially in the aisle, and yet this spandex abomination is allowed to run amok without supervision? Not only is he not seated; he's pacing the aisle while screaming and flexing. Somebody up in heaven needs to page Chris Farley so he can plant this midget Booker T in a seat (preferably that uncomfortable half-seat in the front). Good. Great! Grand!!
Second of all, seriously, does this kid look like a 13-year-old Pop Warner starter to you? He has four biceps! It's like a football version of Danny Almonte mixed with Ras Kass, Ronnie Lott, Jax, and a 10 lb. sack of androstenedione thrown in for good measure. I suppose if I were the bus driver, I'd be a little puckered up in the anus while looking in the mirror at this jacked Webster, but rules are rules my friend.
My third point of contention is with the coach in the background who's clapping like a 12-year-old bitch in the front row of a Justin Timberlake concert. Way to rule with an iron fist, Bruce Coslet. As far as I'm concerned, the head ball coach is the be all, end all when it comes to laying down the law in organized sports. Just think about the Hall of Fame head coaches who didn't take shit from anyone: Lombardi, Landry, Ditka, Parcells (on his way), Belichick (ditto). Straight up balls in your face greatness right there. Now look at the sackless wonder in the backseat of the team bus. Does that look like a guy who's prepared to give out some hellfire and brimstone halftime speech? Hell, he's not even sitting with the other coaches! Instead of asserting himself and putting this future "I Love New York" wannabe in his place, he's back there creaming his pants and chanting along with all the other benchwarmers.
As you can see by the rough cut listed above, the "kid" also sports a mirrored face shield while playing. Honestly, who does that? Do they even make face shields for youth football? If so, is it necessary to have the reflective one that makes you look like Robocop? I mean, I can safely say that there's no way in hell the team loses with Willow 2.0 patrolling the secondary. Hell, I'd bet the quarterback purposely threw the INT just to save his receiver from getting decapitated.
Strangely enough, I haven't seen the commercial air since all the fuss about the cream and the clear came to light. Coincidence? Well, that or the juicy juice dwarf kicked the bucket since they have three-week lifespans like insects do. Either way, Under Armour did the right thing and pulled the spot before it started to encourage weakling wannabe kids to swim in XXS cutoffs. Oops, too late.
