Boy Bands
The boy band craze of the semi-recent past had every female in the world seeing stars, hearts, and visions of the moment they would finally meet (or in my case, bang) Nick Carter. Before a time when you could post the results of a personality quiz on your Myspace, new friends got to know you based on which boy band member you had a crush on. Like Taylor Hanson? You’re likely under 14, suffer from middle child syndrome and also have a crush on Jonathan Taylor Thomas because he and Taylor are the same person. Like Lance Bass? You’re not cool enough to like Justin Timberlake, so you had to settle for the poor man’s version. You are probably not very cute and will have a very lucrative career as a fag hag. Like Justin Jeffre? You are a fictional being because NO ONE had a crush on him. I bet you don’t even know who he is. Which brings me to the point of matter I’d like to discuss: ugly boy band members.
I am unclear as to why these busted ass mofos were important additions to their respective groups in the first place. Perhaps they were better singers than the other members and what they lacked in looks, they made up for in talent. However, don’t you think there are other guys in the world just as talented as them and a little easier on the eyes? You can’t tell me that Joey Fatone is the best singer ever, hands down, and no one less hideous could possibly fill his shoes. On the other hand, maybe the music producers in charge of these cookie cutter groups thought that the token ugly dude would appeal to the token ugly girl – come on, every group of girlfriends has one. Maybe this reasoning worked to some degree, but ugly girls are not blind (…usually) and even though they can identify with the plight of the token ugly boy bander, it doesn’t mean they want to fuck them.
Ugly or not, these unfortunate looking fellas have a shitload of cash. Their boy band success places them on the list of “Lucky Rich Ugly Dudes” along side the likes of Ja Rule, Mini-Me and William Hung. Every boy band has their own Chewbacca, but who are the Top 5 ugly bastards? I thought you’d never ask!
HOWIE DOROUGH - Backstreet Boys
Howie’s middle name is Dwaine. At least his parents were realistic. The only thing worse than an ugly person is an ugly person with a hot person’s name. If you hear about them before you see them and their name is Chad or Brad or Tad or whatever, you kinda expect some kind of beefcake. Howie’s parents, however, knew their gene pool was less than favorable and chose the name “Howard Dwaine” for their unborn son. How thoughtful. Side note: I always thought he was from the Middle East, all terrorist style. Apparently he is Puerto Rican. So weird.
ISAAC HANSON - Hanson
Isaac is probably uglier than the number four position, but I feel kind of bad for him because his band mates weren’t just better looking – they were his brothers as well. Imagine being in a band with your siblings and everyone calls YOU the ugly one. Seriously, though – Isaac Hanson looks like Frankenstein with a wig on. I feel ugly just thinking about him.
JUSTIN JEFFRE - 98 Degrees
Justin always had the potential to look like a functional member of society, but instead chose to look like a closet homosexual. His ugliness is 95% his fault. No, Justin. Dying your hair, growing nasty facial hair and purchasing faggot ass glasses do not make you hip. It makes you that ugly guy in 98 Degrees who gets laid only because he knows Nick Lachey. Justin is so ugly that he ran for Mayor somewhere in Ohio, had Nick Lachey endorsing him and still lost. For real, visit his website…not just to see the ugliness, but to see a picture of him trying to fight Muhammad Ali. So Awkward.
DANNY WOOD - New Kids On The Block
I credit Danny Wood with introducing me to the world of ugly boy banders. Even at the age of seven, I could look at this man and recognize the fact that he was no prize. I distinctly remember taking part in many NKOTB convos where I made it clear that Donnie Wahlberg was hot as hell and Danny Wood looked like a goddamn monkey. I just looked at his entry on Wikipedia and apparently people used to call him “The Body.” Upon further investigation, I must admit that Danny Wood has a slammin’ body. I guess I didn’t really notice that when I was younger. Whatever, Danny...you can go to the gym, but you’ll always be a buttaface.
CHRIS KIRKPATRICK - N'Sync
Dear Lord. I did not know this man’s name for the entire time N*Sync was together. I just called him "Onion Head" because of his horrible hairdo. Chris Kirkpatrick is hilarious because he never did or said anything, and then Eminem chose to shit on him in one of his songs. Chris was so ugly that it made Eminem mad. Imagine being so ugly that it makes someone mad. I’m actually kinda jealous.
Before I end this article, it would be wrong not to acknowledge and pay tribute to America’s original ugly boy bander. He did not even qualify to be on my list because it wouldn’t be fair to the other ugly guys. Especially considering the fact that he’s an asexual white female. Oh well, we love you, MJ!
