Baseball Mustaches:
A Stiff Upper Lip
After seeing the phenomenon that is "Sal's Pals" sweep across Citizens Bank Park in Philadelphia, I've come to realize how prominent facial hair has become in Major League Baseball. Considered a journeyman/backup catcher, Sal Fasano has now become a cult hero for Philly fans and it's due in large part to his most visible asset: a handlebar mustache so awesome it makes horticulturists jealous. This got me to thinking, if Fasano's follicle makeup is considered cool, what are the best mustaches/goatees/sideburns/hairdo combinations in baseball history? Well, without further ado, in reverse order, I give you the Facial Hair Top Ten:
Mike Schmidt
The prototypical power hitting third baseman, Schmidt redefined how to play the hot corner (while belting 548 career homers). But even moreso than his stats, #20 will be remembered for that crisp auburn mustache that struck fear into opposing pitchers. Well, that and the fact that he looks exactly like Chuck Norris in a Phillies uniform. Unfortunately Schmidt only makes it to #10 because, as you can see, he combs his hair and then daintily puts his hat on top.
Jeff Bagwell
The gritty, all guts, down and dirty Astros' first baseman has always endeared himself to the Houston fans because of his hard-nosed play and powerful bat (449 homers). It seems fitting then that a blue collar, blood, sweat, and tears kind of guy like Bagwell could sport such a bristling chin display. However he could’ve been a Hall Of Famer as a member of the Red Sox but instead will go in as a Houston Astro. Fuck that. I know it’s not his fault but this is my list. When Jeff Bagwell makes a list he can put himself anywhere he damn well pleases. On my list, he gets #9 and he will like it. Also, he's become an injury prone vag of late and he's getting too buddy-buddy with Craig Biggio. It creeps me out, but he has that awe-inspiring goatee to bail him out. Be thankful Bagwell, be thankful.
Jim "Mudcat" Grant
The first of quite a few Oakland A's to make the list, Grant's sideburns were so thick and full you'd think he glued them on between innings. But what you see here is the end result of a career's worth of hard work and imagination. Grant was the ace of the Minnesota Twins 1965 pennant-winning team. He led the American League in victories (21), winning percentage (.750), and shutouts (6). He also led the planet in number of hoes macked. Those fucking things are awesome. You can’t even see his ears. Seriously I can't help but think of Cadillacs and fedora caps while singing "bow-chicka-wow wowww." The only strike against him is that I wasn't alive when he played and rocked those sweet chops. Too bad.
Sal Fasano
As I explained above, Fasano has never known superstardom until landing in Philadelphia. I've added him to the list simply because no one in recent memory has been able to successfully sport the "retro" look with such flair. Over his 8 year career, Fasano has been a part of the Royals, A's, Rockies, Devil Rays, Brewers, Angels, Yankees, Orioles, and now the Phillies where he always draws a crowd at home (zing!) due to his loyal Sal's Pals. His brood of followers might be able to manufacture their own flowing locks and handlebar 'staches; but as always, imitations are second best. I bet he goes back into the clubhouse and eats chips and guzzles beer while spilling shit all over his uniform while muttering, "Fuck this shit." And in no way is that a bad thing.
Mike Piazza
The chameleon of facial hair, Mike Piazza has shown that catchers can have some style under all that protective gear. The way I see it, Piazza was the Sal Fasano of his day (given he still plays but he's in the twilight of his career). With 405 career home runs and 10 Louisville Silver Slugger awards under his belt, the similarities stop at the facial hair though. Regardless, when Piazza was a Dodger, nobody rocked the mane and mustache quite like Mike. Look at that and tell me that's not a straight up "I eat babies and shit dynamite" kind of picture. I bet he just hit some kid in the face with a 2x4.
David Ortiz
The most clutch hitter in Boston Red Sox history, "Big Papi" can thank his Samson-esque beard for the added magic since joining the Fenway Faithful. While it's had many incarnations, the 2006 version is one of the best yet--form fitting with a cupped chin piece and soul bridge. Want proof of the beard's impact? From 1997-2002 with the Twins he had 58 HR and 238 RBIs. In 3 full seasons with the Red Sox (and the beard) Ortiz posted 119 HR and 388 RBIs. Keep in mind that doesn’t even count his in progress stats from this season with the new and improved beard. Opposing teams beware. This beard knows no bounds.
Ross "Skuz" Grimsley
He might not have had the most original mustache. He might not have had the greatest hair. But combine the two and voila, just like peanut butter and jelly--a match made in heaven. Well, if that heaven is made up of shady clowns, dirty conversion vans, and Michael Jackson. In 1978, Grimsley became the first 20 game winner in Expos history. While he played for the Reds, Expos, and Indians, "Skuz" never looked better than in Baltimore's burnt orange unis of the 70's. In all honesty there’s never been a more fitting nickname for a player. Ok I can't even look at this picture anymore, it's making me uncomfortable. I need to shower.
Dennis Eckersley
Although he lost to the battle of the mustaches to Kirk Gibson in the World Series, Eck and his Hall of Fame mouth mantle made their mark as one of the game's most dominant closers and mustaches, respectively. He's only the second pitcher to record 50 saves in a season and the first to save 40 games 4 times. He's also the only pitcher with 100 saves and 100 complete games. It's no coincidence that his mustache was with him every step of the way. Look at that swagger; the semi-smile so comfortable under the warmth of that radiating 'stache.
Rich "Goose" Gossage
Simply put, Goose had a mustache with muscles. Gossage's face was born to uphold such a monumental work of follicle art. Luckily he had the stats and baseball skill worthy of such a 'stache. The Goose is 8th all time with 310 saves and 3rd all time with 115 relief victories and with that fearsome thing sitting on his upper lip, it's easy to see why. He was one of the few players that could make those shit brown and baby puke yellow Padre uniforms look good. However, he also played for the Yankees so fuck him. You'll always be #2 in my book Goose.
Rollie Fingers
Well if we're going to talk about mustache muscles, Fingers' had the only one that physically resembled a set of flexing biceps. With the Holy Grail of baseball mustaches, Fingers amassed 341 career saves as well as garnering the 1981 AL MVP and Cy Young award behind a punishing slider. But the Hall of Famer will always be known for a mustache so prolific that baseball fans who weren't even alive to see him pitch know of it.
