MFL PSA
by Uber Jon
A while back The Department of Homeland Security created a website dedicated to giving information on what to do in case of an emergency. Now I know most of the people who frequent MFL do not visit any other websites other than this one, so as a public service, I will give a breakdown of the information provided at www.ready.gov. I have added some further explanation of certain things in sections that I thought they were too vague. I also may have changed wording to be more… understandable to MFL readers.
In Case of an Earthquake:
- Securely fasten shelves to walls.
- Keep large or heavy objects on lower shelves.
- Store breakable items in lower cabinets with doors and latches.
- Inspect and repair electrical wiring and gas connections; these can be potential fire hazards during an earthquake.
...in other words the perfect time to rearrange your house and do home repairs is during a violent uprising in the earth's crust.
In Case of A Volcano Eruption:
- If you are stupid enough to purchase a house in a city built at the base of a volcano, you probably deserve to die so you're on your own with this one…
In Case of A Fire:
PREVENTING FIRES
- Cooking is the leading cause of home fires in the U.S. It is also the leading cause of fire injuries…so go out to eat and continue to get fat.
- Never smoke near flammable liquids. Shooting up is ok though. Word.
- Sleep with your door closed. Umm, so it is harder to escape the fire??
- Consider installing an automatic fire sprinkler system in your residence. As an added bonus, you can make them sound activated so they come on every time the Nelly's "Hot in Here" is played.
TO ESCAPE FIRES
- Hot Doors: Do not open. Escape through a window. If you cannot escape, hang a white or light-colored sheet outside the window. It sounds tacky but actually looks fantastic; especially in front of the backdrop of a flaming house! Faaaabulous!
- Cool Doors: Open slowly and ensure fire and/or smoke is not blocking your escape route. If your escape route is blocked, shut the door immediately. Then turn to your wife and say, "A slide coming out of the third story window doesn't sound so stupid now, does it?" Also, close doors behind you as you escape, because you weren't born in a barn.
AFTER A FIRE
- If you are with a burn victim, poke his wounds with a stick covered in salt and notice how the noises he makes strongly resembles the same noises men in porno movies make when having orgasms. Then call 911 if you're nice.
- If you are a tenant, contact the landlord and then laugh in his stupid, over-charging face.
- Never re-enter a burning building…unless you forgot something really important. For example, your old basketball cards in your closet that you know will be worth something as soon as you find a rich loser to pay the 200 bucks for that Jordan card.
During a Declared Biological Emergency:
- If a family member becomes sick, it is important to be suspicious. They may be involved with the terrorists. Anthrax anyone?
- Do not assume that you should go to a hospital emergency room or that any illness is the result of the biological attack. Symptoms of many common illnesses may overlap. You're better off dead than a pain in the ass to the health care system. Fact.
- Consider if you are in the area authorities believe to be in danger. If you are, ask yourself why you are still in this area and not getting the fuck out of town.
In Case of a Nuclear Threat:
- Quickly assess the situation. I mean seriously stop and look around for a minute. When will you ever get to see a nuclear explosion again? Once in a life time opportunity is all I'm saying.
- Watch TV to get the news, or do what the television news does and check the Internet for official news as it becomes available. Try not to get distracted by the cute sneezing panda on You Tube.
- To limit the amount of radiation you are exposed to, think about shielding, distance and time. Where's my DeLorian, Doc?
- Shielding: Create some sort of barrier between you and the zombies created by the radiation.
- Distance: Distance yourself from the zombies!
- Time: Minimizing time spent exposed to radiation will also reduce the risk of becoming a flesh eating zombie yourself.
In Case of a Flood/Tsunami/Hurricane:
- Quickly ignore it and pretend it is not happening.
...I mean it's obvious that when preparing for a possible emergency situation, it's best to think first about the basics of survival.
Recommended Items to Include in a Basic Emergency Supply Kit:
- Water: so you can waterboard those you suspect to be involved with the "disaster".
- Food: this is not that important as most Americans have enough fat on their body to survive several years, so if you need to make room for something else in your kit, like your porno movies and a portable DVD player, you can omit food.
- Battery-powered or hand crank radio and a NOAA Weather Radio with tone alert and extra batteries for both. This way you have means of contacting the outside world. And if your waterboarding doesn't work, you can rig the radio to work as an electrocution device. Squirrel BBQ baby!
- Flashlight and extra batteries. Shadow puppets for all!
- First aid kit. Be sure you include scissors so you can lodge them into your brain and end it all if the situation gets too much to handle.
- Whistle: so you can be the most annoying guy in the bomb shelter.
- Dust mask: so you can conceal your identity and no one will know that you are actually a superhero created due to long term exposure to radiation.
- Moist towelettes: to wipe your ass.
- Garbage bags and plastic ties: for personal sanitation (making ass Teddy Grahams).
- Wrench: to defend yourself in the post-apocalyptic world you'll soon be living in.
This has been a public service announcement for myfakeleg.com courtesy of Uber Jon with some slight help from www.ready.gov.
