100 Acre High
Every school has their stereotypes. Each hallway has their respective clique provinces where lesser cliques dare not set foot and mightier cliques dare not be seen. Like the Wheel of Fortune namesake, some shine proud and garner all the attention whereas others are, well, the “Bankrupts” of the world. As I am clearly one for analogies, through my research I have found that each stereotypical student can clearly be defined by a member of the 100 Acre Wood. Therefore, without further ado, I give you 100 Acre High.
Winnie the Pooh = The Fat Kid
Otherwise known as the perpetual sweating machine, this specimen can often be found stalking lockers and/or seated next to any doorway for a quick bathroom (a.k.a. snack) break. While this picture may look like he does something other than eat, don’t be fooled. He’s the type to bring his own eating utensils from home. While there may be hope for him beyond the classroom, little is expected of him inside the various halls of knowledge. However, having this specimen on your side can prove to be advantageous. Similar to the tickbird and the rhinoceros, there can be a simple and mutually beneficial coexistence. Usually in return for tutoring or speaking with a member of the opposite sex on their behalf, these lumbering oafs may offer their services in protection or even a free meal or two…or six. If all else fails, you can take solace in the fact that you’ll always finish ahead of them in the mile run, rope climb, push-up, sit-up, shuttle run and well, pretty much any other activity that requires physical exertion.
Strengths: Eating, sweating, complaining, girth, and
a pungent odor defense mechanism.
Weaknesses: Movement, vision, Classical Literature, and
basic motor skills.
Piglet = The Frail Weakling
This fragile and terminally sick member of the high school caste system comes in several variations. First off, there is the hopelessly devoted, semi-sociopathic stalker (a la Loser). Seemingly passive, this waif is the type to name one of his Dungeons and Dragons pieces after the girl he so desperately covets. He's also the type to have hour-long conversations with/about her in the comfort of his dimly lit room, alone...with himself. As a second variation, this pathetic soul may be spotted alongside the fat kid, thus forming the "Ironic Couple" (as seen in Angus). While their relationship may seem purely platonic and complimentary on the surface, one need not look hard to find signs of overt homosexuality. Finally, the third and often most prevalent form of "Piglet" is the Cluster or Amoeba version. In this scenario, the specimen groups himself with other like specimens to become a single, coughing, wheezing, and sniffling entity of worrying and stuttering worthlessness. No matter their form, keep your distance from this sniveling creature unless you enjoy discussing the finer points of Luke Skywalkers' family tree or Frodo Baggins' feet.
Strengths: +12 Haste, +3 Wizard Cloak, quick reflexes,
and inhaler skills.
Weaknesses: Immune system, endurance, and contact sports.
Owl = The Obnoxious Know-It-All
This pretentious bastard can often be found following you around while loudly voicing his SAT results and his study plans…whether or not you've asked. Hey, thanks a lot fuckass, that's great you managed to outscore everyone in the entire district. Here’s hoping you get a full scholarship to that Ivy League school, marry a rich supermodel, and then buy that Lamborghini you've always talked about. Then here's hoping your supermodel girlfriend blows one too many lines and wraps the Lambo around the palm tree down the street from your Malibu condo. Then, here's hoping you get herpes from your mistress on the side and are forced to empty your account getting the genital warts cryogenically burned off your dick. Anyways, this specimen is often seen wearing slacks and loafers, which clearly indicate his overcompensating, weinerdog status. Feel free to humor him though while listening as he rattles off all the upcoming test questions—then cheat off of him. Easy A's my friend.
Strengths: Intelligence, deep pore cleansing facials,
and immunity to female emotions.
Weaknesses: Extremely small penis.
Gopher = Shop Class Kid
Ah yes, there's always one, isn't there? The Dustin Hoffman/Rain Man-esque type who can't even manage to piece an entire sentence together and yet he's able to reconstruct an entire big block engine out of paper clips, Solo cups, and liquid nitrogen. A virtual loner, "Gopher" is often softspoken and very hands-on. However, unlike his burrowing, rodent counterpart, this particular specimen enjoys traveling above ground by means of a Pontiac Firebird or Chevy Camaro. An ingenious craftsman, the SCK is invaluable as an ally considering the numerous mechanical problems with first-time car trouble you'll encounter as a sophomore or junior. Just be warned that while they are technically sound, "Gopher" tends to be the angst-ridden, jealous type; so if a girl comes into the picture, slowly back away.
Strengths: Metallurgy, high pain threshold, and the
innate ability to work a manual transmission.
Weaknesses: Grammar, social skills, fashion sense, and
compassion.
Rabbit = The Nervous Dealer
Whether harvesting his carrots, cabbage, or storing his precious honey, Rabbit was always anxious about something in his life. The same can be said for the "Rabbit" that roams your hallways too. While his telltale beanie hat and backpack littered with Dave Matthews Band patches might project a laid back image, looks can be deceiving. This subject is constantly paranoid that someone (mainly the cops or the principal) is out to get him and his stash. Although "Rabbit" tends to have a lot on his mind—which inhibits prolonged interaction and communication—he manages to have a phenomenally sound analytical mind. This specimen is a walking conversion chart with the ability to instantly calculate, for example, how many ounces are in three pounds. As an added bonus, he can even tell how much a Ziploc baggie of something weighs just by jiggling it…no matter the contents! While limited contact and conversation is advisable, try to keep your distance, as "Rabbit" won't hesitate to turn you in to save his own ass.
Strengths: Conversion rates, conspiracy theories, resourcefulness,
and music trivia.
Weaknesses: Cleanliness, Dave Matthews Band, attention
span, and motivation.
Tigger = The Hyperactive Jock
You know that crazy kid in gym class that goes balls out like it's the last play of the Super Bowl with the game on the line? Just call him "Tigger" from now on. This specimen is undisputable proof that Newton's Law of Inertia is a goddamn work of genius. Never stopping, never taking a play off, and never shutting up, this annoying kid is like the Terminator...minus the muscles, metal skeleton, and acting ability. Although it would seem that "Tigger" is an automatic must-have ally, be wary of his unrelenting sports aggression. While his passion is perfectly suited for the gridiron or baseball diamond, I promise you’ll get tired of his antics while screaming, "It's fucking Connect Four, cut it out." However, if you do happen to, ya know, ever be in the Super Bowl and it umm, does come down to the last play of the game, well, you know who to call.
Strengths: Energy, competitiveness, and running out
ground balls.
Weaknesses: Blood pressure, bacne, twitching, and math.
Eeyore = The Goth Kid
Luckily only one of these morose vaginas puts on makeup. Unfortunately, the other one is an imaginary cartoon stuffed animal. Just do us all a favor and go makeout with a nail gun.
Strengths: None.
Weaknesses: Being born.
Kanga = The Pregnant Girl
You've seen her hanging around the Boys locker room. She's been reeking of stale cigarettes ever since elementary school. You could almost hear her getting pregnant by the time freshman year rolled around. So it's no surprise that by your junior year she's already had three kids with four different guys (figure that one out). Don’t worry about that noise you’re hearing either, it’s just her life swirling down the shitter. While it’s plain to see her intellectual stock is falling faster than Blue Star’s, her vagina is currently fielding offers from the NFL to single-handedly produce a new franchise near you. As you can see, high school isn't so much a house of knowledge as it is a breeding ground for this little preggers. As for how you should approach "Kanga" and what time of allegiance to make, I would caution you to keep your distance. While she is every bit the caring, nurturing mother her cartoon counterpart is, the real life "Kanga" is quick to spot a meal ticket and latch on. Don't be that guy.
Strengths: Ability to get impregnated just by concentrating,
chain smoking, and crying.
Weaknesses: Guys with accents, education, dependence,
and crime dramas.
Roo = The Teeny Kid
My school had one, your school has one, and there's probably one being born somewhere right now. This Hobbit-esque specimen can usually be found peering over the glass in the lunchline, pondering what tasteless, burned meal to peck at. While he peaked at 4' 6" during recess in 3rd grade, God bestowed upon him the energy of 13 cracked out hummingbirds. It is for that precise reason that "Roo" should be high on your friend list. Not only is he a scrapper, but he'll be so pleased to have normal sized buddies (a.k.a. "normies") that he'll be forever indebted to your friendship. As an added bonus, he's a great pickpocket and will occasionally dance for nickels.
Strengths: Hustle, nervous laughter, juke moves, and
great climbing skills.
Weaknesses: Tall lockers, tater tots, shin splints, and
heavy L.L. Bean backpacks.
So there you have it—a completely unbiased view of high school as it compares to a fictional cartoon based on the stories of a guy who died over fifty years ago. Whew, thankfully I still have my journalistic integrity and profound morals. Enjoy bitches, MFL for life!
